Tuesday 10 November 2009

Feeling a bit of a…

Okay, so Max was round last night. He had done his usual thing – gone out and bought Dead or Alive 4 on budget for the Xbox 360. Nothing unusual there, apart from the fact that Max does not own a 360. He has a 360 gamepad, and 2 games. But no 360. He is of the PS3 camp, usually natural enemies of me. He buys them purely to bring round and play on my system. This is quite normal for Max, and not the first time he had done it. But I digress…

Now, DOA4 is nothing new. It has been out for a while, and I have not purchased it. I am still a big fan of beat’em ups, but there are those that I have avoided, usually on principle. I don’t like Tekken. Never have, never will. I have never been a big fan of DOA4, because I think that the gameplay is fatally flawed, and the AI that the programmers have sadistically implemented is neither fair, or logical. Now there are games that defy logic. Usually with things like Nitrous Oxide refilling itself, or suspension that does not break even after the car has dropped over two hundred feet from the road. Or the ability to withstand an entire clip of machine gun ammo, and still being able to sprint and fist-fight. Throwing fireballs from bare hands and so on. But when the computer can repel your attack with a counter, and then unleash a nine-hit combo with a multi-throw tacked onto the end, that is enough to make me have to retrieve the gamepad from a smashed TV screen. But I digress again…

I have never really liked DOA, unless I am playing against another player. Another player of comparable ability. Like Max. Max, in turn, likes being the female characters. He likes being the female characters in any game, but he particularly likes DOA because he can turn the ‘Boob-Slider’ right up to 99 and get very distracted. He also likes purple hair. This might also explain why I am married and he is not.

We were playing away, making various grunting noises and light hearted bad language whenever a counter actually worked when the wife walked in.

‘What is wrong with the women’s tits?’ She asked.
I stopped to consider my answer, while Max simply burst into hysterical (if somewhat embarrassed) laughter.
‘It is Max’s preference’ I replied, carefully.
‘Well I don’t think it’s fair,’ she responded. ‘If that is the case with the girls, then why don’t the men’s lunchboxes jiggle too?’

She left. Max and I looked at each other, with a small look of thought, and a large expression of disgust on our faces. Why on Earth would we want to see that in a game? Would girls even buy a game where the male protagonist’s genitalia animated as much as the females? Would that not make it a very viable target during the fracas?

I have never really thought that this could be a concern. Okay, normally it is a funny addition, and we all know that sex sells. But I didn’t really consider that this sort of game would even appeal to the lady folk.

Ever since then, my wife has found it amusing to try to emulate the jiggling every time the game is mentioned. Which of course, is a tremendous plus-point for me. J

Oh my God. I used a smiley in my post. That is very worrying.

- Galford

Tuesday 6 October 2009

Just when you thought…

Okay, so when does the bad become good? When something even worse comes along afterwards…

I recently re-watched the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Streetfighter The Movie. He was, of course spot-on with his outlook of the whole shambles. However, after watching that, I thought I would watch the Streetfighter film once again. Just for old time’s sake. Yes, there was a time I thought it was good. I was not old enough to know better!

Every time I see it, I love drawing the same conclusion. I will dispense this revelation now.

So, the winners – who effectively ‘complete’ the film/game are: Guile, Chun Li, Cammy, Ken, Ryu, Zangief, E. Honda, T. Hawk, Balrog and Captain Sawada. Apart from the fact that Balrog should be on Bison’s side. And Zangief was on Bison’s side in the film. And Captain Sawada has never been in the fucking game. Streetfighter The Movie The Game doesn’t count.

I have never been able to complete any Streetfighter game currently available with that many people simultaneously. Well, technically I came close with Marvel Vs Capcom 2. But that one doesn’t count either.

Okay, so people that didn’t survive: Bison, Dhalsim, Blanka and Vega. Except for the fact that we aren’t actually sure if Vega is dead or not. But what can I say? Life sucks for you guys.

Finally, there are the people that survived the explosion, but didn’t win: Deejay and Sagat. Apart from the fact that Deejay should not have been on Bison’s team. Neither should he have been consumed with money. And Sagat – come on Wes, you should have more self respect than to take a job like this in the first place!

Oh and of course Fei Long. Who didn’t exist. Apparently.

Yes, this was a God-awful film. But then, Max managed to persuade me to see Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

No. no. NO. NOOO!!!! What’s going on? Just when I thought that it could not get any worse, it did! How could they actually manage to screw up the Streetfighter film franchise even further? THIS IS NOT STREETFIGHTER! For fuck’s sake. It’s only saving grace is that, if I don’t think of it as a Streetfighter film, and that the names are purely coincidental, I can just about get through it! Continuity? Canon? CHARACTERS?? What’s wrong with you people? No one even looks remotely like they should, Bison dies before the Streetfighter tournament has even fucking begun, and he doesn’t even wear a fucking fucking hat! Suddenly, Streetfighter The Movie looks really, really good. Mortal Kombat looks even better. Streetfighter the Animated Movie? In comparison, it’s absolute Oscar material!

- Galford.

Monday 17 August 2009

Make a deal with the Devil, or buy Games from GOD?

Okay, so there’s nothing wrong with buying something online. Virtual shops are all well and good. However, I am not very convinced when it comes to buying virtual products. I have never, and will never purchase music through Itunes. Apart from the obvious total and utter hatred and contempt for Apple, I much prefer to have a physical copy of the artifacts that I own.

This for me then, is where Microsoft’s Games On Demand falls on it’s face.

Yes, it’s all well and good being able to buy games usually only available off the shelf online, and download it straight to your 360, but why? They say that it takes a few hours for the four to six gig games to arrive. In that time, I could’ve popped down to Gamestation, or CEX and… bought it. Wait just a few hours longer, and Amazon will deliver it to my door. Also, I have a 60Gb Xbox premium edition. That means 10 games, and my hard disk is full. If I wanted to have more games, I would have to go into a shop, and purchase a bigger hard disk. Or, I could… you know… buy the games instead. What a waste of time!

Not only this, but at time of writing all the games available through GOD (lord help me!) are all £19.99. Burnout Paradise is available second-hand from CEX for £15, less than 100 yards from where I work! Yes, I know it’s used, but it’s still a physical copy of the game – more than you get from GOD…

This system is in its infancy. Thankfully. Because at the moment, it is fatally flawed. If the games were being sold for like £5, seeing as there is no manufacturing process required, I would be much more interested. As it stands, right now I am still happy to stretch my legs and get the wife to go buy me my next game.

Thanks Darling. Love you!

- Galford.

Sunday 28 June 2009

Xbox 360 Obtained – Achievement 10G…

Okay, so I haven’t posted for a long time. This is because… I finally have an Xbox 360!!! YOSHAAA!

I was able to scrape the money together, enough to purchase a next-gen console. I only have a handful of second-hand games for it at the moment, apart from one – Street Fighter 4. Oh yes. Mm mm Mmmm!

It’s funny though, because I often wondered if the 360 would live up to my expectations. Now, they have a Wii at work in the canteen room. From playing on it quite extensively, I knew that my original supposition about not wanting to own one was accurate. It’s novel, it’s different, but it’s stupid. Max has a PS3. I don’t want one of those on principle. The 360, on the other hand is every bit as good as I expected it to be. I was worried for a while that I was becoming an Xbox fanboy, but I don’t think that I would actually die for my console of choice. But I do believe that it has a significant edge over its competition.

I am, however putting off adding my credit card details for Marketplace purchases. It’s not that I don’t trust Microsoft’s security measures; it’s just that I don’t thrust my own. If I put the ability to pay for some of the content without even having to refer back to my credit card, I will be bankrupt by the end of the day. …What? What was that? Street Fighter HD is a third cheaper? For a limited time? Dammit!!

There is no doubt that the other reason I wanted a 360 has also lived up to its reputation. I love Street Fighter 4. But, this does bring me onto my next point…

Seth Ruins Street Fighter 4.

Oh my God. What a fucker. What a way to completely shit on the best game ever. It’s like ordering a chocolate ice cream sundae. It is sublime. Tasty beyond compare, smooth, cool, perfect; until you get to the big ball of dark chocolate at the bottom and discover that it is shit. Actual shit. Unfiltered, straight from the porcelain throne after a good curry shit.

Why sink that low when creating the best of the best? All of the other characters in the game are excellent. Perfectly developed, artistically spot-on and a joy to use. Even wierdos like Rufus are pick-up-and-play characters. But Seth feels like a reject from much lesser fighting games than this. His appearance is awful. His moves suck ass and his fighting style is utter bollocks. He is worse than Rugal, he is worse than Shao Khan. He even manages to make the end-game bosses in Dead or Alive seem well balanced. Trying to unlock Gouken, I was fighting his as Akuma, on very easy. Just wanted an easy run to simply get the job done. But no, after beating everyone else with little to no effort that blue motherfucker pulled out the most piss-poor moves and beat me. Akuma. Very easy. FUCK YOU! I’m not the best player in the world, but I’m better than average, as my online bout statistics show. But it’s like Capcom said ‘Well, we know you have spent years on the various Street Fighter games honing your skills, and we know you can complete SF2 and Alpha on the hardest setting, but fuck that. We are going to show you how shit you really are.’

Fuck Seth. He caused me to destroy one of my pads when I threw it at the wall in disgust. I play the game until I get to him, then I turn it off. I don’t need that.


- Galford.

Monday 27 April 2009


Why is it, I always get attached to technology that I invariably collect during the course of my life? I am still no closer to my 360, in fact – truth be known, I am getting further away. This is a double blow considering that nearly fifty percent of my birthday fund has gone on trivialities, leaving the once proud amount rather waning. Still, I will not be discouraged! I know, I can sell things on eBay. How about my rather considerable (considerably daft, more like!) collection of phones from days gone by? Well, I could, but… they either are not worth enough to bother going through the rigmarole of listing them, or they are still just too useful! Okay, how about my amassed defunct laptops? Again, I could – but they may still be useful, old games and programs that I can’t be bothered to upgrade or make compatible that lurk around the grotty crags of my office may once again be pressed into usefulness, either out of necessity, or boredom. Right. Old toys? Hmm… but they remind me too much of my youth. A time in my life that is getting further away by the day! Besides, my darling three year old Son has found a boxful, and as a result, are now broken and completely worthless. My old 1:18 scale car collection? I…took ages to get them all together. I don’t want to have to reverse my efforts, losing money hand-over-fist in the process. That leaves… Internal organs. Any of those I’m not using?

It comes to something when I would rather sacrifice a section of my own internal workings that part with a piece of what is rapidly becoming retro technology. I love old gadgets and the like, mostly because they are the genesis which has spring-boarded us to where we are now in the modern day. But then, what would I be exchanging them for? New technology! Hmm… New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology… You know – the more you say it, the less it helps!!

- Galford.

Wednesday 8 April 2009

Penny-Pinching Bastard

Yes, I suppose I am really. I don’t like to admit it, even though I just did… and I don’t like other people agreeing with me, despite the fact that I’m sure most of you did the very instant you read the title.

Basically, it goes like this. I am close to buying an Xbox 360. Very close. However, I was short by an almost considerable sum of money. I was given a cash injection due to yet another birthday, but it was not enough. I have tried to ignore the fact that every single time I express an interest in purchasing said hardware, someone, somewhere, after eating a Toffee Crisp, experiences the red ring of death. This is still the one thing that puts me off more than anything. But, when I weigh that against the prospect of owning Streetfighter 4, it just… doesn’t seem that big a bother, actually. So yes, I am still going to go ahead with it.

I was considering the purchase of a second-hand one to reduce the cost somewhat, but then I became a victim of what I now call the ‘hundred pound trust syndrome’. This is basically, that I have seen a few pre-owned 360’s for sale in various outlets, most of which seem to retail for about £120-£150, given the spec and condition. This is just the wrong side of my budget at the moment. I look on longingly, wondering if it is worth going into my overdraft in order to own one. This, however is tempered by the fact that to also procure Streetfighter 4 and an additional pad would probably push up the cost dangerously to nearer the £200 mark. Way, way out of my current spending budget. So I have put aside a sizeable chunk of my lifespan to finding one that is cheaper. This happened, strangely enough in the same day. Walking through the local town centre, swatting teenagers as I went, I discovered a small electrical store with of all things, a second-hand 360 in the window. As with such things, I did a double take. The pain should wear of eventually, I hope. The price tag badly stuck onto the side of it with sticky-tape stated that it was worth £79. (The Xbox, not the price tag. Obviously. Durrr…) At this point, I looked the white unit up and down. Most of the blanking plates were missing, as was the hard drive – although I did not know if that was so it didn’t get pinched. Even so, alarm bells rang inside, and I thought ‘That’s rather cheap. Too cheap. What’s wrong with it? Is it broken, abused or stolen?’ I backed away from the window. Turned and walked away.

This is the strange thing. I looked for ages to find an Xbox for under £100. When I found one, I didn’t want it, because it seemed too good to be true. Having been burned (literally) by cheap shit gadgets before, I did not want to chance buying something that despite fitting the financial requirement perfectly, would almost undoubtedly leave a bitter taste in the mouth, and me out of pocket when it fucked up. A strange sort of irony, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Time to buy a new one, I think. Time to rob a bank too, I guess…

- Galford.

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Sonic Rocket-Launcher. Okay, come on… think about it…

Okay, so the more astute of you will realise that I am talking about Sonic Chronicles – The Dark Brotherhood on the DS. An RPG that I procured recently. I think it’s fair to say that I have never given up hope on the round blue spiky one. I know that most of the games he features in as of late have been rubbish, but each time I see a new one released, I will still feel compelled to part with cash for it. I will tell myself repeatedly in my head that I will like it regardless. Maybe that’s why Sonic is still around after all this time…

I think it’s fair to say that SC-TDB (ugh) falls into the same pitfall as a lot of other Sonic games, like Sonic 3D or Sonic R – It’s just not fast. I wouldn’t even say not fast enough, just… not fast. At all. There are bits and pieces in there that echo the Sonic days of old, like spin-dashing round loop-the-loop set pieces, but I can honestly say that this reminds me too much of another game. And for once, it’s not Mystaria.

If you look at all the elements, the 3D Characters on a drawn background, the strange quick-time events, the turn-based combat strategy sections, the cheesy storyline… It is basically, an anthropomorphic Final Fantasy 7.

The problem with Final Fantasy 7 is though, I never completed it. It was a cursed game. Not because I lacked the ability to play it, as I own both the PC and Playstation versions of it. But The savegames always just… evaporated. Disappeared. Vamoosed. Vanished. Ceased to be… and for some of these reasons, I thought that playing such a game would be doomed to failure, and that I should not really invest that much time on it. However, I am still trying to decide that, after nearly four and a half hours of almost constant play…

- Galford.

Friday 13 March 2009

Streetfighter 4… It’s a bit like Mystaria…

Okay, so it’s not. But that’s a tradition!

Zig graced my place of residence twice over the last week, I think that’s some kind of record… He brought round his Xbox 360 in the vague hope of persuading me to buy one. Suffice to say, he completely succeeded. We played games like Project Gotham 4, Flat Out, Virt-oh Sod it. We played Streetfighter 4. And more Streetfigher 4. And after that, we played some more Streetfighter 4. We did try playing some other games, but these very quickly became a five minute fantasy before returning to the pinnacle of all things fisticuff.

This is it. A complete return to my youth. Everything in my life has changed over the last 5 years. I got married, moved house, had kids. My parents moved house. Changed my job. Job changed premises. Changed my car. Everything I have come to know as constants have gone. Except for one. The existence of Streetfighter games and the chance for the two of us to sit down and have a night of challenge. It really is more addictive than anything else I can think of. When the fateful time came, and Zig had to head back home, I was really sad. I wanted it to continue. To prolong the experience. For years, preferably. It leaves me yearning for the next time.

I might actually get around to reviewing it at some point. But in the meantime…

I WILL get an Xbox 360!!

- Galford.

Friday 27 February 2009

Careless Talk Costs Sanity...

Sometimes, Zig and I talk. We really do! Novel, I know. I just thought it may prove insightful for you to see the sorts of conversations we have. Because we are nuts...

Galford: Hey ho, you there?
Zigganoid: yup. hows u
Galford: I have no idea
Galford: How is you?
Zigganoid: you should ask yourself. I am not too bad, I have street fighter 4 and that makes my face smile
Galford: Nice. I am seriously considering a 360 now
Galford: I mean SERIOUSLY
Galford: is it funkadelic?
Zigganoid: get one, online works beautifully and we could finally fight regularly again
Zigganoid: It just might be the best one yet
Galford: oh, for the times gone by!
Galford: It looks absolutely awesome
Zigganoid: they have sorted the counter system out, so none of that impossioble parrying nonsense from sf3
Zigganoid: The new characters are actually really good, even fatboy Rufus
Galford: That was arse. Unless you are Daigo
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: What characters are actually in it?
Zigganoid: ken
Zigganoid: ryu
Zigganoid: dhalsim
Zigganoid: chinli
Zigganoid: zangief
Zigganoid: ehonda
Zigganoid: bison
Zigganoid: sagat
Zigganoid: balrog
Zigganoid: vega
Zigganoid: fei long
Zigganoid: cammy
Zigganoid: sakura
Zigganoid: blanka
Zigganoid: er
Galford: Excellent, so it's a proper old-school Streetfighter
Zigganoid: yup sf2 cast plus a few
Zigganoid: oh yeah rose
Galford: I must get 360, there are a lot of games on it that I really want now
Zigganoid: akuma
Zigganoid: whats ryu's master called
Galford: My soul is longing for a good bit of chop-socky
Galford: gouki
Zigganoid: yep him
Galford: Funky!
Zigganoid: 4 new guys
Galford: Reasons for a 360:

Virtua Fighter 5
Burnout Paradise
StreetFighter 4
Galford: There are more, but I think those alone are enough
Galford: I don't use my kidneys, I could sell those
Zigganoid: The orange box is awesome
Zigganoid: you might be best to keep one
Galford: and my liver, and my lungs, and my brain
Galford: ...but my junk stays!
Zigganoid: you have a brain? thats being greedy
Zigganoid: I now have 35 games on the 360, not including downloaded. I just cant stop
Galford: Only half of one, really
Galford: Mmmm
Zigganoid: it am the new dreamcast
Galford: I was playing on my DC last night...
Zigganoid: oh yeah and the new final fantasy is exclusive to 360 which means I can laugh at ps3 owners
Galford: my old life is gone
Galford: My parents move house today
Zigganoid: where to
Galford: (sob)
Galford: They are going to stay in Crowle with friends for a bit, but they want to move to Wales!
Zigganoid: I broke a door in that house and suplexed you onto cushions. Wales is dumb
Galford: Yah! Those were the days! That door still doesn't sound right...!
Zigganoid: i still dont sound right
Galford: True. Your mouth is too far to the left
Zigganoid: I am coming up in a week or so. Maybe we can get together for a bit
Galford: ...and you twisted your neck
Zigganoid: yup
Zigganoid: see above
Zigganoid: visit
Galford: Cool, just give me warning this time!
Galford: Oh, you just did
Zigganoid: well we are coming next weekend and probably staying till about tues or wed
Galford: Right, okay, I shall attempt to make a f*ckoff great hole in my schedule
Zigganoid: cool, shall i bring 360 and sf4?
Galford: No
Galford: sorry, I meant yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESYESYESYES
Zigganoid: oh alright then, as long as I can say "fucky"
Galford: I think that should be said at the start of every super-move...
Zigganoid: super-fucky-hyper-bunny-mode
Zigganoid: haha, mega cd
Galford: I still have one in the loft, not sure it works though
Zigganoid: mine broke, but the hacked xbox1 can be pursuaded to play mega cd games
Zigganoid: and pong
Zigganoid: and sam fox strip poker
Galford: Hahaha
Galford: My house is full
Zigganoid: and the banjo
Galford: with the movement of my parents, All my stuff has come home to roost
Galford: my God, I've got some shit
Zigganoid: old shit+ebay=360
Zigganoid: ££$$££Kachingggg$$$££££
Galford: Yerrs
Galford: I have a C64 with lots of games
Zigganoid: me too
Galford: Kinda like a 360,
Zigganoid: I have ninja scooter simulator
Galford: apart from the fact it's nothing like a 360
Zigganoid: bit like mystaria
Galford: YAY
Galford: Mystaria is fucky
Zigganoid: I have hungry horace
Galford: I have the Mystaria soundtrack on my MP3 player
Galford: it's...
Galford: ...a bit like Mystaria
Zigganoid: I'm a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: so are you
Zigganoid: and sheila easton
Zigganoid: ....who's she?
Zigganoid: who am i
Galford: Don't know. Don't want to know
Zigganoid: what is mystaria
Zigganoid: whats going on and is there any way of stopping it?
Zigganoid: sf4 is a bit like mystaria
Galford: (Tangent) have you seen GameDamage?
Zigganoid: so is pong
Zigganoid: nope, had no internet for a week, which isnt fucky
Galford: Ugh, how can anyone survive without Internet?
Galford: Internet is good for you. Cures stress, fatigue, Gout, Missing Bimbs and baldness
Zigganoid: I had to cut up magazines and flash cutouts in front of my face whlie jerking off into a waste paper bin, while singing about how everything and everyone everywhere is a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: jerking off is a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: ........if you do it right
Galford: Yup. when you get that twinkling feeling
Zigganoid: I like to level up
Galford: ...and you end up going a Phoenix sword counter
Zigganoid: feel that mana rising
Zigganoid: and then splunge blat ploogie.........splut
Galford: consume your enemies in your aura
Zigganoid: wipe it on the curtains
Galford: and any allies who were dumb enough to stand in the way
Galford: splut
Zigganoid: freindly fire.....very friendly fire
Zigganoid: and a free shampoo
Galford: and set
Galford: full cream milk
Zigganoid: shampoo horn
Galford: Speaking of talking shit,
Galford: or talking of speaking shit
Galford: you are somewhat lacking on the blog front..
Zigganoid: Yup, I know and there is so much to write about.
Galford: I assume you have lost all your fingers and are typing with your grollies at the moment
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: ...and we are back to Pong
Zigganoid: I will be back to it very soon
Zigganoid: halo 3 map downloaded, yay I can shoot americans
Galford: ...and how's the missus? (blah blah)
Zigganoid: a bit saucy (blah blah)
Zigganoid: hows yours? (blah blah)
Galford: hotter than a June bride in a feather bed (blah blah)
Zigganoid: I feel like drinking a gallon of turpentine and pissing on a brush fire
Galford: Are you in gear yet? Richard?
Zigganoid: this race is wet and wild....like me
Galford: (snort) okay, I'm ready now
Zigganoid: that game was the greatest....and only a bit like mystaria
Galford: yup. the shit
Galford: big fucky racing
Zigganoid: played it a while ago and its awful now.....still love it though
Galford: indeed, that's it's allure
Galford: it would be crap if it was great
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: but it's the fact that it's crap that makes it great
Galford: (confused)
Zigganoid: hmmmm, is my head o straight?
Galford: it's a micron too high
Zigganoid: btw, both penny arcade games are on xbox live arcade
Zigganoid: they are funnnnnnny
Zigganoid: but a bit pricey
Galford: They have awesome names
Zigganoid: they do
Galford: ...and they really, really are...
Galford: ...a bit like Mystaria
Zigganoid: and believe it or not they genuinaly are a bit like mystaria......and monkey island
Zigganoid: hahahahhaa
Galford: Haha, beat ya
Galford: with a stick
Zigganoid: you wish
Galford: a brown, sticky stick
Zigganoid: was it the wet end
Zigganoid: splut....eeeeeuuuuuurgrrrrggggghhhhh
Galford: with a Dog attached to the end by it's teeth
Zigganoid: that aint my belly button......that aint my finger neither
Galford: dadadadadadada
Galford: uuuurrrrgh ... ngh, hrrgh
Galford: blat
Zigganoid: get the lead out
Galford: excuse me while I clean that up
Zigganoid: why wasnt there a big red racing 2
Galford: ...because it would either be awesome, because it's more crapness
Galford: ...or crap, because they would try to improve it
Zigganoid: new carmageddon is suppsedly heading to 360, I may have to get some cream proof undeies
Galford: I reckon we should make a sub-blog of these conversations
Zigganoid: epyt t'nac i
Galford: I played that on the N64. It was arse
Zigganoid: you are right
Galford: and nothing like Mystaria
Zigganoid: bastards
Zigganoid: and they killed kenny
Galford: utter utter bastards
Galford: I wanted to kill Kenny
Zigganoid: did u ever play carma on the gba?
Zigganoid: uuuuurrrrrrrrgggggghhhh
Galford: Hahaha... no
Zigganoid: why did they even think it was possible
Zigganoid: and its sort of in 3d
Galford: Becuase they are monumental fuckwits
Zigganoid: they did sega rally as well, it was like a toasted turd
Galford: They made GTA3 for the GBA. It was basically...
Galford: GTA1!
Zigganoid: While they are at it I think they should bring out halo 4 for the bbc micro while they are at it
Galford: No, it would simply be too good
Zigganoid: or mystaria for the pocket calculator
Galford: 8008135
Zigganoid: or sims on mobile phones.....ah shit they did.....about 70 times. bastards
Galford: That was totally arse. They bring out the worst games of all times, chew up all your phone's storage space, so you can play shit and not even take pictures of Ronnie Corbett. Despickable
Zigganoid: clockwork tin plate late 20's grand theft auto with eagle eye action.
Zigganoid: or pokemon carved out of rock
Galford: They have those in Japan
Galford: I think they should bring out SF4 on an abacus
Zigganoid: handy pocket fucking bowling alley
Zigganoid: hahaha
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: I want to play Test Drive Unlimited on a piece of string!!
Zigganoid: i want to play super mario galaxy on an atom
Zigganoid: worms with real worms
Galford: Haha, that woudl rock
Zigganoid: snakes and ladders with real snakes and ladders
Galford: I want to tie 3 tonnes of semtex to Earthworm Jim
Zigganoid: and interactive porn with a real lady
Zigganoid: erm, hang on
Zigganoid: thats a bit too much like mystaria
Galford: Naah. That's overrated
Galford: (like fuckery)
Zigganoid: haha, we talk bot-rot
Galford: It's the bast way to spend the time
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: bast?
Galford: hmmm
Zigganoid: haha you type wearing boxing gloves
Zigganoid: on your eyes
Zigganoid: lets play props
Zigganoid: bif, bop bleeeeep
Galford: your left nostril
Zigganoid: wrong it was my right
Zigganoid: or ziggy
Galford: Haha, do you know what's funny?
Zigganoid: mystaria?
Galford: apart from getting your testicles injected with Nitrous Oxide
Galford: Which I haven't (I don't think?)
Zigganoid: nope, i think thats the funniest thing i did yesterday
Galford: I occasionally have a tourets-style outburst of talking bot-rot to my computer screen
Zigganoid: so you should
Galford: Em rushed in, fearing the worst, looked at me and said 'Oh, it's just you.'
Galford: hahahahaha
Galford: caught bot-rotting
Zigganoid: If your folks are moving to wales (baaaaa), then you shopuld move here
Galford: it's more fun than being caught rubbing one out
Zigganoid: shopuld????
Galford: apparently
Galford: I would move to Wales, but there's a problem
Zigganoid: its welsh
Galford: It's shit
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: yuo
Galford: yup
Galford: FUCKY!!
Zigganoid: have you bought a 360 yet?
Galford: My fingers think they are pork scratchings with atrophy
Zigganoid: how about now?
Zigganoid: now?
Zigganoid: how about now?
Zigganoid: hmmmm?
Galford: Yes
Galford: No.
Zigganoid: woohoo
Zigganoid: oh bolloc
Galford: I thought I had then
Galford: but I was wrong. It's just my leg.
Zigganoid: damn, did you get confused between buying a 360 and scratching your arse
Zigganoid: bugger
Zigganoid: cant type fast enbnough
Zigganoid: wow new word
Galford: cool, give it a meaning
Galford: I have an idea
Zigganoid: it means somethng a bit like mystaria
Galford: let's come up with a dictionary of meanings for mis-spelt words
Zigganoid: everything means a bit like mystaria except for hlelo which means nothing like mystaria and is therefore a swear word
Galford: I think we should call it the conplete concise dictionayr
Galford: hahaha
Zigganoid: the dyslexics guide to pslenigs
Galford: the 'conplete' was a legitimate mistype
Zigganoid: haha you are dumb for real
Zigganoid: fucky
Galford: no, I am dmub
Zigganoid: I set fire to your science book
Galford: Yay
Galford: did it burn with green flame?
Zigganoid: ninja flipbooks
Galford: I found all those in my follk's loft
Galford: Mmmm
Zigganoid: my ass gas burns with a green flame
Galford: are you the green hornet?
Zigganoid: i am the blue rasperry
Zigganoid: you are the eggman coo coo kachoo
Galford: I am the puce flipflop
Zigganoid: I am the bringer of fluids
Zigganoid: you are the spiller of seed
Galford: you are a fluid ounce
Zigganoid: will is the face full of dandelions
Galford: I have an ear of corn
Zigganoid: I have a nose for music
Galford: I have a good ear for music.
Zigganoid: you have a face for radio
Galford: the rest of me, however is completely rotten
Zigganoid: my knee caps are burbbery
Galford: Hahaha, you have chavvy calves
Zigganoid: My eye lids came from dustbins
Galford: I love these conversations. They bring me back to a decent level of surreality
Zigganoid: true, you need to excersise your lunatic side or it deserts you and you become (shudder) normal
Galford: reality sucks like a perverted vacuum cleaner
Galford: I had an epiphany the other day
Galford: tasted fucking awful
Zigganoid: yup, speaking of which work is looning so I must go soon, but at least I get to ask ladies about their periods
Zigganoid: cheesy
Galford: one last anecdote
Galford: I went into CEX and saw my XPS laptop, my Acer netbook, and my gay green DS on the shelf side by side
Galford: and I thought FUCKY!
Galford: Em's selling my shit!
Zigganoid: yup, do you have a good ds now
Galford: No, it's still gay green
Galford: ....but when did that become the flagship colour??
Galford: see? TWO question marks!
Zigganoid: dsi is pointless
Galford: The DSi is basically a DS remodelled as a Gizmondo
Galford: morons
Zigganoid: they bring out the guitar hero controller and a rumble pack for the gba slot then relrelease the ds without it
Galford: they are thinking of making games that use the movement captured by the camera to move.
Galford: The humble old Giz was doing that 4 years ago!
Galford: motherfuckers
Galford: unclefuckers
Galford: grannyfuckers
Zigganoid: yup. ninty should stick to great games and stop fucking around with technology
Galford: unknownChinesemanfuckers!
Zigganoid: puddlefuckers
Galford: fuckyfuckers
Galford: Anyway, you must earn pennies
Galford: and use them for transport to see my gleeful knuckles
Zigganoid: yeah, with that I must go. I have ebay parcels to do before work and i might have to have a quick sf4 battle b4 i go.
Galford: me too. I'll be there 90 seonds ago
Galford: in the other not so long ago
Zigganoid: yup, see you soon. I will confirm when I will be there soon so we can arrange a battle seession
Galford: see? I've been and gone. You were crap.
Galford: k dude, I have a phone, don't forget!
Zigganoid: yup, cheerybye fella
Galford: byesybye!

Obviously, everything here as it is in our entire blog are our own views and not aimed at anyone or anything in a not-very-nice way. If you are offended by this, please feel free to fuck off and boil your neighbour's little finger. Thankyou!

Also, any typing errors are completely intentional. So there. And there.

- Galford.

Wednesday 28 January 2009

I Don’t have Time for Linux…

Okay, so at the moment, there are two main aspects to my technological life. There’s gaming obviously, a core component of the physical makeup of my very being. The other is gadgets. Now this is quite possibly a spinoff from my love of gaming, and the technology behind it.

Every time a new gaming platform is announced, everyone who can call themselves an expert in the field will endeavour to find out the technical specification of the hardware. This is so that they can be awed by how much more powerful it is than their current system, be the focal point of conversation amongst their piers, or wave the facts in front of the guy who just bought the rival machine. But for me, this was never enough…

The problem was, once I had obtained the latest games console, the goal had gone. The wanting appeased. I needed something new to look forward to. Thus started my love of computers, mobile phones, PDAs, and other quirky yet strangely utilitarian gizmos. What this is all getting round to is the purchasing of my new Acer Aspire One netbook.

For me, the Aspire One is the perfect gadget. At the moment, anyway. It is a sublime blend of the power of my XPS desktop, mixed with the portability of my MDA. It is not as bulky or heavy as my other laptops, but it is not as powerful either. But that doesn’t bother me, as it is meant to be a loyal companion that lets me do 90% of the things I enjoy doing at home while out and about. There is only one thing to sully this otherwise awesome achievement in mobile technology.

Linux. Despite all of it’s advances and trying to throw off the shackles of it’s past, having a near 50/50 share of the netbook market, and being tailor-made for the micro laptop, it is still the preserve of the uber-geek.

Now, this had not come as a shock. I had spent a lot of time in shops like Currys and PC World before purchasing said netbook. Enjoying the experience in daily 5 minute intervals. I knew that the one in my price range would have to come with Linux. I really didn’t mind it after trying it out. It was something I thought I could learn, get used to, begin to master… But living with it everyday, that was something totally different. The lack of compatibility, the lack of games, the command line installations, having to take crash courses in GNOME (?!?), having to install 3 programs just in order to see my network, the new file structure, the ease of breaking the OS… and that was only after the first 3 days! After that, it was time to sacrifice a laptop for a Windows installation. Oh, happy days are here again!

I know that it’s free. I know that it’s much, much better than it used to be. I know that in some ways, it’s superior to Windows. But I am not the ultimate geek. Neither do I want to be. I do not want to frequent Linux forums to find information where I feel like I’m being watched by people who haven’t set foot out of their parent’s houses in years. I do not want to be a code monkey. So thanks Linux, but it was never meant to be. It was fun for a while, but you’re just a bit too freaky under the covers for me. Later!

- Galford

Friday 9 January 2009

Dirge Racer

Hello again, and a happy new year to all. Let me also be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas. Fuck yeah.

Right, on to the meat (and 2 veg) of today's offering.

Ridge Racer. A series of games that really should have finished at the first attempt. Because everything since then has been total and unequivocal shit. It actually seems that the further the more sequels progress, the more and more unrealistic the racing environment becomes...

Now, I personally think that the first Ridge Racer was an incredible game. I used to love play the full-scale version, where you actually sat in a Mazda MX5, with a full cinema screen in front of you, and surround-sound making for the last word in immersive driving experiences, long before the fabled Red Letter Days became commonplace. Even after this vanished due to being a colossal waste of money on Namco’s behalf, the game in the arcade cabinet was still fun. Okay, granted, the driving physics were very odd. As long as you were drifting, you would make it round the corner. Every single time. But this was in the days just after Virtua Racing, where driving physics had not been given the Gran Turismo benchmark just yet. Plus, it was done in such a way that you really did feel like it was your talent as the driver that got you round, not Scalextric style handling. The fact that there was only 1 car, and 1.5 tracks could be overlooked too.

I tried playing Ridge Racer 2 when it hit the arcades, but it was just not the same. Everything looked similar, but it lacked something. I think it was down to lack of improvement. It was just the original Ridge Racer, with a few new cars & tracks. Actually, looking back… I don’t even know if the cars were new, or just all of the ones that you couldn’t be from the first RR. But, this was not the era of Sega Rally. The first game to really nail the handling. It was perfect. I had Ridge Racer on the PS1 by this point, but after Sega Rally on the Saturn, I don’t think I played it again for months, apart from small sprees to remind me how good it’s Sega counterpart really was.

The next Ridge Racer I came into contact with was Ridge Racer 4, on the PS1. This had a total play time of about 15 minutes, because I hated it. I really, really hated it. The handling was still awful, and the car designs left a petrol-head like me practically in mourning. I only bought it because it was in the bargain bin at some big department store, whose name eludes me right now, and because it came with the first real attempt at an analogue driving pad. This also proved to be horrible. Game returned. After this, I did not play a Ridge Racer game again for a long time, because of Gran Turismo 2, 3 and 4, Sega Rally 2, Daytona on the Dreamcast, Grand Theft Auto, Scud Race, Out Run 2, swathes of Need for Speed games and many, many others. Every time I saw a Ridge Racer game advertised, I would habitually avoid it. Then I acquired a Nintendo DS, and a PSP. Now, I waited what seemed to be an eternity for Gran Turismo mobile to come out before I gave up. Ford Racing LA Duel was arse, and there was nothing of any note on the DS. Except Need for Speed Most Wanted and Carbon, but they just didn’t cut it graphically. So I thought I would indulge once again. I bought Ridge Racer for the PSP, and for the DS. I was amazed to find that the PSP version, while being graphically very good, had deteriorated to a level below the first ever Ridge Racer on the handling front. It was diabolical, a total travesty! As long as you were drifting, you could make it round every corner. Even hairpins, during a Nitrous boost, and facing the wrong way! What?!? Plus, the AI was simply awful. Nitrous would spontaneously respawn, and car weight was completely variable. Particularly during races! A boy-racer’s dream, this game. Therefore my idea of hell. So after giving up on that I thought I would give the last bastion of hope a try. The DS version.

Well, as it stands, the last time I played it, I was stuck on a race, where despite using the fastest available car, on a track I have now driven hundreds of times, I still cannot beat the dark blue car with the big spoiler. I have given up. Again. Fuck this.

So I officially resign from Ridge Racer. The banger racing of the driving world. But I just don’t get it. Namco make games like Soul Calibur. Undoubtedly one of the finest beat ‘em up series of modern times. How could they screw up this bad on their flagship driving game franchise?

Well, that’s it. Back to Test Drive Unlimited. Mmmm, yes.

- Galford.