Feeling a bit of a…

Okay, so Max was round last night. He had done his usual thing – gone out and bought Dead or Alive 4 on budget for the Xbox 360. Nothing unusual there, apart from the fact that Max does not own a 360. He has a 360 gamepad, and 2 games. But no 360. He is of the PS3 camp, usually natural enemies of me. He buys them purely to bring round and play on my system. This is quite normal for Max, and not the first time he had done it. But I digress…

Now, DOA4 is nothing new. It has been out for a while, and I have not purchased it. I am still a big fan of beat’em ups, but there are those that I have avoided, usually on principle. I don’t like Tekken. Never have, never will. I have never been a big fan of DOA4, because I think that the gameplay is fatally flawed, and the AI that the programmers have sadistically implemented is neither fair, or logical. Now there are games that defy logic. Usually with things like Nitrous Oxide refilling itself, or suspension that does not break even after the car has dropped over two hundred feet from the road. Or the ability to withstand an entire clip of machine gun ammo, and still being able to sprint and fist-fight. Throwing fireballs from bare hands and so on. But when the computer can repel your attack with a counter, and then unleash a nine-hit combo with a multi-throw tacked onto the end, that is enough to make me have to retrieve the gamepad from a smashed TV screen. But I digress again…

I have never really liked DOA, unless I am playing against another player. Another player of comparable ability. Like Max. Max, in turn, likes being the female characters. He likes being the female characters in any game, but he particularly likes DOA because he can turn the ‘Boob-Slider’ right up to 99 and get very distracted. He also likes purple hair. This might also explain why I am married and he is not.

We were playing away, making various grunting noises and light hearted bad language whenever a counter actually worked when the wife walked in.

‘What is wrong with the women’s tits?’ She asked.
I stopped to consider my answer, while Max simply burst into hysterical (if somewhat embarrassed) laughter.
‘It is Max’s preference’ I replied, carefully.
‘Well I don’t think it’s fair,’ she responded. ‘If that is the case with the girls, then why don’t the men’s lunchboxes jiggle too?’

She left. Max and I looked at each other, with a small look of thought, and a large expression of disgust on our faces. Why on Earth would we want to see that in a game? Would girls even buy a game where the male protagonist’s genitalia animated as much as the females? Would that not make it a very viable target during the fracas?

I have never really thought that this could be a concern. Okay, normally it is a funny addition, and we all know that sex sells. But I didn’t really consider that this sort of game would even appeal to the lady folk.

Ever since then, my wife has found it amusing to try to emulate the jiggling every time the game is mentioned. Which of course, is a tremendous plus-point for me. J

Oh my God. I used a smiley in my post. That is very worrying.

- Galford

Xbox 360 Obtained – Achievement 10G…

Okay, so I haven’t posted for a long time. This is because… I finally have an Xbox 360!!! YOSHAAA!

I was able to scrape the money together, enough to purchase a next-gen console. I only have a handful of second-hand games for it at the moment, apart from one – Street Fighter 4. Oh yes. Mm mm Mmmm!

It’s funny though, because I often wondered if the 360 would live up to my expectations. Now, they have a Wii at work in the canteen room. From playing on it quite extensively, I knew that my original supposition about not wanting to own one was accurate. It’s novel, it’s different, but it’s stupid. Max has a PS3. I don’t want one of those on principle. The 360, on the other hand is every bit as good as I expected it to be. I was worried for a while that I was becoming an Xbox fanboy, but I don’t think that I would actually die for my console of choice. But I do believe that it has a significant edge over its competition.

I am, however putting off adding my credit card details for Marketplace purchases. It’s not that I don’t trust Microsoft’s security measures; it’s just that I don’t thrust my own. If I put the ability to pay for some of the content without even having to refer back to my credit card, I will be bankrupt by the end of the day. …What? What was that? Street Fighter HD is a third cheaper? For a limited time? Dammit!!

There is no doubt that the other reason I wanted a 360 has also lived up to its reputation. I love Street Fighter 4. But, this does bring me onto my next point…

Seth Ruins Street Fighter 4.

Oh my God. What a fucker. What a way to completely shit on the best game ever. It’s like ordering a chocolate ice cream sundae. It is sublime. Tasty beyond compare, smooth, cool, perfect; until you get to the big ball of dark chocolate at the bottom and discover that it is shit. Actual shit. Unfiltered, straight from the porcelain throne after a good curry shit.

Why sink that low when creating the best of the best? All of the other characters in the game are excellent. Perfectly developed, artistically spot-on and a joy to use. Even wierdos like Rufus are pick-up-and-play characters. But Seth feels like a reject from much lesser fighting games than this. His appearance is awful. His moves suck ass and his fighting style is utter bollocks. He is worse than Rugal, he is worse than Shao Khan. He even manages to make the end-game bosses in Dead or Alive seem well balanced. Trying to unlock Gouken, I was fighting his as Akuma, on very easy. Just wanted an easy run to simply get the job done. But no, after beating everyone else with little to no effort that blue motherfucker pulled out the most piss-poor moves and beat me. Akuma. Very easy. FUCK YOU! I’m not the best player in the world, but I’m better than average, as my online bout statistics show. But it’s like Capcom said ‘Well, we know you have spent years on the various Street Fighter games honing your skills, and we know you can complete SF2 and Alpha on the hardest setting, but fuck that. We are going to show you how shit you really are.’

Fuck Seth. He caused me to destroy one of my pads when I threw it at the wall in disgust. I play the game until I get to him, then I turn it off. I don’t need that.

Fucker.

- Galford.