NO! Bad PSP! Dirty, DIRTY!

Okay, so here is a bit of advice for all would-be self-servicing games console owners out there. I am not addressing the professionals, the sort of people who completely neon-up their X-boxes, because doing it to your car is now illegal, I am talking about the dabblers. People who feel like having a go. People equipped with a penknife and a blush-brush. People like me, it seems. Do not, under any circumstances attempt to clean the innards of your PSP. It will drive you clinically insane. It will never be clean enough.

Recently, I decided that there was far too much dust under the plastic fascia, and elected to remove and clean it. So, armed with a small Philips screwdriver, fresh-air spray, some computer monitor cleaner, a blush brush (not from my own personal collection, I might add) and a glasses cloth I set to work. Getting the fascia off was easy. But that was much, much less than half the battle. I didn't realise quite how many times I would be repeating this part of the procedure. First things first. Give it a blast with the air spray. It removed most of the dust, but unfortunately agitated all of the other invisible dust that had gotten in from much pocket-carrying. So, after half a dozen more sprays, I set to the outside and inside of the fascia plate with the monitor cleaner and glasses cloth. Now I wear glasses. I know how delicate they are, and how the slightest scratch can cause untold and continuous irritation by being permanently in view, until such time as I can afford to get the lenses replaced. So I cleaned extremely gently, with the utmost of care using practically no pressure at all. After letting it dry, I then replaced it back to it's familiar position on the PSP. Then, I realised that in replacing the fascia, I had disrupted yet more dust in the actual PSP itself, and now more crap lay between the main screen and the display than when I had first started! Annoyance. Displeasedness. So I started to remove the fascia once again.

Several more blasts with the air spray later, the screen was almost clean again. A momentary lapse in concentration made me wipe the inside of the screen with the back of my hand. Smudge marks! More cleaning a la glasses cloth & monitor cleaner. Fascia replaced.

This time, much better. Or, so I thought. I was still annoyed by absolutely miniscule pieces of debris that had still managed to work their way onto the screen. I should not be this pedantic, but after all my efforts I wanted absolutely crystal clearness from my PSP's display. Calm down, I thought. I do not have access to a dust-free chamber. Live with it. And I did, until I came to play in daylight...

Despite my oh-so careful cleaning with the cloth and cleaner, the inside of the display looked as if I had rubbed it down with sandpaper! What? What the fuck is this?? I could not play in any kind of light if I wanted to see what I was fucking doing! I eventually had to resign to the fact that I was going to have to purchase a brand-new fascia. What a drag!

I did not want a cheap Hong Kong knockoff, and I didn't want to have to pay the £30 Sony was asking! 3 new Fascias, or a new PSP...? Tough decision... er, niet!

I finally found a genuine fascia on eBay in Florida. Florida!! Well, it arrived, and I started painstakingly placing it on my PSP. Then, I took it off again. There was a human head hair in there! What the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? For Christ's sake. Eventually, job done. Or so I thought. Now, I notice that I can't see the power light, the Wifi light, or the Memory Stick light. The plastic conductors that are required to transfer the light from the chassis LEDs to the front of the fascia are not present! Nor are they available anywhere on the Internet! And I cannot remove them from the old fascia, because they are welded into place.

I am now going to lapse into maniacal laughter, clawing at the walls...

- Galford