Bucketmonkey - You figure it out!

Feeling a bit of a…

2009-11-10T03:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Max was round last night. He had done his usual thing – gone out and bought Dead or Alive 4 on budget for the Xbox 360. Nothing unusual there, apart from the fact that Max does not own a 360. He has a 360 gamepad, and 2 games. But no 360. He is of the PS3 camp, usually natural enemies of me. He buys them purely to bring round and play on my system. This is quite normal for Max, and not the first time he had done it. But I digress…

Now, DOA4 is nothing new. It has been out for a while, and I have not purchased it. I am still a big fan of beat’em ups, but there are those that I have avoided, usually on principle. I don’t like Tekken. Never have, never will. I have never been a big fan of DOA4, because I think that the gameplay is fatally flawed, and the AI that the programmers have sadistically implemented is neither fair, or logical. Now there are games that defy logic. Usually with things like Nitrous Oxide refilling itself, or suspension that does not break even after the car has dropped over two hundred feet from the road. Or the ability to withstand an entire clip of machine gun ammo, and still being able to sprint and fist-fight. Throwing fireballs from bare hands and so on. But when the computer can repel your attack with a counter, and then unleash a nine-hit combo with a multi-throw tacked onto the end, that is enough to make me have to retrieve the gamepad from a smashed TV screen. But I digress again…

I have never really liked DOA, unless I am playing against another player. Another player of comparable ability. Like Max. Max, in turn, likes being the female characters. He likes being the female characters in any game, but he particularly likes DOA because he can turn the ‘Boob-Slider’ right up to 99 and get very distracted. He also likes purple hair. This might also explain why I am married and he is not.

We were playing away, making various grunting noises and light hearted bad language whenever a counter actually worked when the wife walked in.

‘What is wrong with the women’s tits?’ She asked.
I stopped to consider my answer, while Max simply burst into hysterical (if somewhat embarrassed) laughter.
‘It is Max’s preference’ I replied, carefully.
‘Well I don’t think it’s fair,’ she responded. ‘If that is the case with the girls, then why don’t the men’s lunchboxes jiggle too?’

She left. Max and I looked at each other, with a small look of thought, and a large expression of disgust on our faces. Why on Earth would we want to see that in a game? Would girls even buy a game where the male protagonist’s genitalia animated as much as the females? Would that not make it a very viable target during the fracas?

I have never really thought that this could be a concern. Okay, normally it is a funny addition, and we all know that sex sells. But I didn’t really consider that this sort of game would even appeal to the lady folk.

Ever since then, my wife has found it amusing to try to emulate the jiggling every time the game is mentioned. Which of course, is a tremendous plus-point for me. J

Oh my God. I used a smiley in my post. That is very worrying.

- Galford

Just when you thought…

2009-10-06T15:09:00.002-07:00

Okay, so when does the bad become good? When something even worse comes along afterwards…

I recently re-watched the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Streetfighter The Movie. He was, of course spot-on with his outlook of the whole shambles. However, after watching that, I thought I would watch the Streetfighter film once again. Just for old time’s sake. Yes, there was a time I thought it was good. I was not old enough to know better!

Every time I see it, I love drawing the same conclusion. I will dispense this revelation now.

So, the winners – who effectively ‘complete’ the film/game are: Guile, Chun Li, Cammy, Ken, Ryu, Zangief, E. Honda, T. Hawk, Balrog and Captain Sawada. Apart from the fact that Balrog should be on Bison’s side. And Zangief was on Bison’s side in the film. And Captain Sawada has never been in the fucking game. Streetfighter The Movie The Game doesn’t count.

I have never been able to complete any Streetfighter game currently available with that many people simultaneously. Well, technically I came close with Marvel Vs Capcom 2. But that one doesn’t count either.

Okay, so people that didn’t survive: Bison, Dhalsim, Blanka and Vega. Except for the fact that we aren’t actually sure if Vega is dead or not. But what can I say? Life sucks for you guys.

Finally, there are the people that survived the explosion, but didn’t win: Deejay and Sagat. Apart from the fact that Deejay should not have been on Bison’s team. Neither should he have been consumed with money. And Sagat – come on Wes, you should have more self respect than to take a job like this in the first place!

Oh and of course Fei Long. Who didn’t exist. Apparently.

Yes, this was a God-awful film. But then, Max managed to persuade me to see Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

No. no. NO. NOOO!!!! What’s going on? Just when I thought that it could not get any worse, it did! How could they actually manage to screw up the Streetfighter film franchise even further? THIS IS NOT STREETFIGHTER! For fuck’s sake. It’s only saving grace is that, if I don’t think of it as a Streetfighter film, and that the names are purely coincidental, I can just about get through it! Continuity? Canon? CHARACTERS?? What’s wrong with you people? No one even looks remotely like they should, Bison dies before the Streetfighter tournament has even fucking begun, and he doesn’t even wear a fucking fucking hat! Suddenly, Streetfighter The Movie looks really, really good. Mortal Kombat looks even better. Streetfighter the Animated Movie? In comparison, it’s absolute Oscar material!

- Galford.

Make a deal with the Devil, or buy Games from GOD?

2009-08-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there’s nothing wrong with buying something online. Virtual shops are all well and good. However, I am not very convinced when it comes to buying virtual products. I have never, and will never purchase music through Itunes. Apart from the obvious total and utter hatred and contempt for Apple, I much prefer to have a physical copy of the artifacts that I own.

This for me then, is where Microsoft’s Games On Demand falls on it’s face.

Yes, it’s all well and good being able to buy games usually only available off the shelf online, and download it straight to your 360, but why? They say that it takes a few hours for the four to six gig games to arrive. In that time, I could’ve popped down to Gamestation, or CEX and… bought it. Wait just a few hours longer, and Amazon will deliver it to my door. Also, I have a 60Gb Xbox premium edition. That means 10 games, and my hard disk is full. If I wanted to have more games, I would have to go into a shop, and purchase a bigger hard disk. Or, I could… you know… buy the games instead. What a waste of time!

Not only this, but at time of writing all the games available through GOD (lord help me!) are all £19.99. Burnout Paradise is available second-hand from CEX for £15, less than 100 yards from where I work! Yes, I know it’s used, but it’s still a physical copy of the game – more than you get from GOD…

This system is in its infancy. Thankfully. Because at the moment, it is fatally flawed. If the games were being sold for like £5, seeing as there is no manufacturing process required, I would be much more interested. As it stands, right now I am still happy to stretch my legs and get the wife to go buy me my next game.

Thanks Darling. Love you!

- Galford.

Xbox 360 Obtained – Achievement 10G…

2009-06-28T02:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven’t posted for a long time. This is because… I finally have an Xbox 360!!! YOSHAAA!

I was able to scrape the money together, enough to purchase a next-gen console. I only have a handful of second-hand games for it at the moment, apart from one – Street Fighter 4. Oh yes. Mm mm Mmmm!

It’s funny though, because I often wondered if the 360 would live up to my expectations. Now, they have a Wii at work in the canteen room. From playing on it quite extensively, I knew that my original supposition about not wanting to own one was accurate. It’s novel, it’s different, but it’s stupid. Max has a PS3. I don’t want one of those on principle. The 360, on the other hand is every bit as good as I expected it to be. I was worried for a while that I was becoming an Xbox fanboy, but I don’t think that I would actually die for my console of choice. But I do believe that it has a significant edge over its competition.

I am, however putting off adding my credit card details for Marketplace purchases. It’s not that I don’t trust Microsoft’s security measures; it’s just that I don’t thrust my own. If I put the ability to pay for some of the content without even having to refer back to my credit card, I will be bankrupt by the end of the day. …What? What was that? Street Fighter HD is a third cheaper? For a limited time? Dammit!!

There is no doubt that the other reason I wanted a 360 has also lived up to its reputation. I love Street Fighter 4. But, this does bring me onto my next point…

Seth Ruins Street Fighter 4.

Oh my God. What a fucker. What a way to completely shit on the best game ever. It’s like ordering a chocolate ice cream sundae. It is sublime. Tasty beyond compare, smooth, cool, perfect; until you get to the big ball of dark chocolate at the bottom and discover that it is shit. Actual shit. Unfiltered, straight from the porcelain throne after a good curry shit.

Why sink that low when creating the best of the best? All of the other characters in the game are excellent. Perfectly developed, artistically spot-on and a joy to use. Even wierdos like Rufus are pick-up-and-play characters. But Seth feels like a reject from much lesser fighting games than this. His appearance is awful. His moves suck ass and his fighting style is utter bollocks. He is worse than Rugal, he is worse than Shao Khan. He even manages to make the end-game bosses in Dead or Alive seem well balanced. Trying to unlock Gouken, I was fighting his as Akuma, on very easy. Just wanted an easy run to simply get the job done. But no, after beating everyone else with little to no effort that blue motherfucker pulled out the most piss-poor moves and beat me. Akuma. Very easy. FUCK YOU! I’m not the best player in the world, but I’m better than average, as my online bout statistics show. But it’s like Capcom said ‘Well, we know you have spent years on the various Street Fighter games honing your skills, and we know you can complete SF2 and Alpha on the hardest setting, but fuck that. We are going to show you how shit you really are.’

Fuck Seth. He caused me to destroy one of my pads when I threw it at the wall in disgust. I play the game until I get to him, then I turn it off. I don’t need that.

Fucker.

- Galford.

Sentimentechnology

2009-04-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

Why is it, I always get attached to technology that I invariably collect during the course of my life? I am still no closer to my 360, in fact – truth be known, I am getting further away. This is a double blow considering that nearly fifty percent of my birthday fund has gone on trivialities, leaving the once proud amount rather waning. Still, I will not be discouraged! I know, I can sell things on eBay. How about my rather considerable (considerably daft, more like!) collection of phones from days gone by? Well, I could, but… they either are not worth enough to bother going through the rigmarole of listing them, or they are still just too useful! Okay, how about my amassed defunct laptops? Again, I could – but they may still be useful, old games and programs that I can’t be bothered to upgrade or make compatible that lurk around the grotty crags of my office may once again be pressed into usefulness, either out of necessity, or boredom. Right. Old toys? Hmm… but they remind me too much of my youth. A time in my life that is getting further away by the day! Besides, my darling three year old Son has found a boxful, and as a result, are now broken and completely worthless. My old 1:18 scale car collection? I…took ages to get them all together. I don’t want to have to reverse my efforts, losing money hand-over-fist in the process. That leaves… Internal organs. Any of those I’m not using?

It comes to something when I would rather sacrifice a section of my own internal workings that part with a piece of what is rapidly becoming retro technology. I love old gadgets and the like, mostly because they are the genesis which has spring-boarded us to where we are now in the modern day. But then, what would I be exchanging them for? New technology! Hmm… New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology. New technology, old technology… You know – the more you say it, the less it helps!!

- Galford.

Penny-Pinching Bastard

2009-04-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I suppose I am really. I don’t like to admit it, even though I just did… and I don’t like other people agreeing with me, despite the fact that I’m sure most of you did the very instant you read the title.

Basically, it goes like this. I am close to buying an Xbox 360. Very close. However, I was short by an almost considerable sum of money. I was given a cash injection due to yet another birthday, but it was not enough. I have tried to ignore the fact that every single time I express an interest in purchasing said hardware, someone, somewhere, after eating a Toffee Crisp, experiences the red ring of death. This is still the one thing that puts me off more than anything. But, when I weigh that against the prospect of owning Streetfighter 4, it just… doesn’t seem that big a bother, actually. So yes, I am still going to go ahead with it.

I was considering the purchase of a second-hand one to reduce the cost somewhat, but then I became a victim of what I now call the ‘hundred pound trust syndrome’. This is basically, that I have seen a few pre-owned 360’s for sale in various outlets, most of which seem to retail for about £120-£150, given the spec and condition. This is just the wrong side of my budget at the moment. I look on longingly, wondering if it is worth going into my overdraft in order to own one. This, however is tempered by the fact that to also procure Streetfighter 4 and an additional pad would probably push up the cost dangerously to nearer the £200 mark. Way, way out of my current spending budget. So I have put aside a sizeable chunk of my lifespan to finding one that is cheaper. This happened, strangely enough in the same day. Walking through the local town centre, swatting teenagers as I went, I discovered a small electrical store with of all things, a second-hand 360 in the window. As with such things, I did a double take. The pain should wear of eventually, I hope. The price tag badly stuck onto the side of it with sticky-tape stated that it was worth £79. (The Xbox, not the price tag. Obviously. Durrr…) At this point, I looked the white unit up and down. Most of the blanking plates were missing, as was the hard drive – although I did not know if that was so it didn’t get pinched. Even so, alarm bells rang inside, and I thought ‘That’s rather cheap. Too cheap. What’s wrong with it? Is it broken, abused or stolen?’ I backed away from the window. Turned and walked away.

This is the strange thing. I looked for ages to find an Xbox for under £100. When I found one, I didn’t want it, because it seemed too good to be true. Having been burned (literally) by cheap shit gadgets before, I did not want to chance buying something that despite fitting the financial requirement perfectly, would almost undoubtedly leave a bitter taste in the mouth, and me out of pocket when it fucked up. A strange sort of irony, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Time to buy a new one, I think. Time to rob a bank too, I guess…

- Galford.

Sonic Rocket-Launcher. Okay, come on… think about it…

2009-03-24T04:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the more astute of you will realise that I am talking about Sonic Chronicles – The Dark Brotherhood on the DS. An RPG that I procured recently. I think it’s fair to say that I have never given up hope on the round blue spiky one. I know that most of the games he features in as of late have been rubbish, but each time I see a new one released, I will still feel compelled to part with cash for it. I will tell myself repeatedly in my head that I will like it regardless. Maybe that’s why Sonic is still around after all this time…

I think it’s fair to say that SC-TDB (ugh) falls into the same pitfall as a lot of other Sonic games, like Sonic 3D or Sonic R – It’s just not fast. I wouldn’t even say not fast enough, just… not fast. At all. There are bits and pieces in there that echo the Sonic days of old, like spin-dashing round loop-the-loop set pieces, but I can honestly say that this reminds me too much of another game. And for once, it’s not Mystaria.

If you look at all the elements, the 3D Characters on a drawn background, the strange quick-time events, the turn-based combat strategy sections, the cheesy storyline… It is basically, an anthropomorphic Final Fantasy 7.

The problem with Final Fantasy 7 is though, I never completed it. It was a cursed game. Not because I lacked the ability to play it, as I own both the PC and Playstation versions of it. But The savegames always just… evaporated. Disappeared. Vamoosed. Vanished. Ceased to be… and for some of these reasons, I thought that playing such a game would be doomed to failure, and that I should not really invest that much time on it. However, I am still trying to decide that, after nearly four and a half hours of almost constant play…

- Galford.

Streetfighter 4… It’s a bit like Mystaria…

2009-03-13T02:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it’s not. But that’s a tradition!

Zig graced my place of residence twice over the last week, I think that’s some kind of record… He brought round his Xbox 360 in the vague hope of persuading me to buy one. Suffice to say, he completely succeeded. We played games like Project Gotham 4, Flat Out, Virt-oh Sod it. We played Streetfighter 4. And more Streetfigher 4. And after that, we played some more Streetfighter 4. We did try playing some other games, but these very quickly became a five minute fantasy before returning to the pinnacle of all things fisticuff.

This is it. A complete return to my youth. Everything in my life has changed over the last 5 years. I got married, moved house, had kids. My parents moved house. Changed my job. Job changed premises. Changed my car. Everything I have come to know as constants have gone. Except for one. The existence of Streetfighter games and the chance for the two of us to sit down and have a night of challenge. It really is more addictive than anything else I can think of. When the fateful time came, and Zig had to head back home, I was really sad. I wanted it to continue. To prolong the experience. For years, preferably. It leaves me yearning for the next time.

I might actually get around to reviewing it at some point. But in the meantime…

I WILL get an Xbox 360!!

- Galford.

Careless Talk Costs Sanity...

2009-02-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, Zig and I talk. We really do! Novel, I know. I just thought it may prove insightful for you to see the sorts of conversations we have. Because we are nuts...

Galford: Hey ho, you there?
Zigganoid: yup. hows u
Galford: I have no idea
Galford: How is you?
Zigganoid: you should ask yourself. I am not too bad, I have street fighter 4 and that makes my face smile
Galford: Nice. I am seriously considering a 360 now
Galford: I mean SERIOUSLY
Galford: is it funkadelic?
Zigganoid: get one, online works beautifully and we could finally fight regularly again
Zigganoid: It just might be the best one yet
Galford: oh, for the times gone by!
Galford: It looks absolutely awesome
Zigganoid: they have sorted the counter system out, so none of that impossioble parrying nonsense from sf3
Zigganoid: The new characters are actually really good, even fatboy Rufus
Galford: That was arse. Unless you are Daigo
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: What characters are actually in it?
Zigganoid: ken
Zigganoid: ryu
Zigganoid: dhalsim
Zigganoid: chinli
Zigganoid: zangief
Zigganoid: ehonda
Zigganoid: bison
Zigganoid: sagat
Zigganoid: balrog
Zigganoid: vega
Zigganoid: fei long
Zigganoid: cammy
Zigganoid: sakura
Zigganoid: blanka
Zigganoid: er
Galford: Excellent, so it's a proper old-school Streetfighter
Zigganoid: yup sf2 cast plus a few
Zigganoid: oh yeah rose
Galford: I must get 360, there are a lot of games on it that I really want now
Zigganoid: akuma
Zigganoid: whats ryu's master called
Galford: My soul is longing for a good bit of chop-socky
Galford: gouki
Zigganoid: yep him
Galford: Funky!
Zigganoid: 4 new guys
Galford: Reasons for a 360:

Virtua Fighter 5
Burnout Paradise
GTA4
StreetFighter 4
Galford: There are more, but I think those alone are enough
Galford: I don't use my kidneys, I could sell those
Zigganoid: The orange box is awesome
Zigganoid: you might be best to keep one
Galford: and my liver, and my lungs, and my brain
Galford: ...but my junk stays!
Zigganoid: you have a brain? thats being greedy
Zigganoid: I now have 35 games on the 360, not including downloaded. I just cant stop
Galford: Only half of one, really
Galford: Mmmm
Zigganoid: it am the new dreamcast
Galford: I was playing on my DC last night...
Zigganoid: oh yeah and the new final fantasy is exclusive to 360 which means I can laugh at ps3 owners
Galford: my old life is gone
Galford: My parents move house today
Zigganoid: where to
Galford: (sob)
Galford: They are going to stay in Crowle with friends for a bit, but they want to move to Wales!
Zigganoid: I broke a door in that house and suplexed you onto cushions. Wales is dumb
Galford: Yah! Those were the days! That door still doesn't sound right...!
Zigganoid: i still dont sound right
Galford: True. Your mouth is too far to the left
Zigganoid: I am coming up in a week or so. Maybe we can get together for a bit
Galford: ...and you twisted your neck
Zigganoid: yup
Zigganoid: see above
Zigganoid: visit
Galford: Cool, just give me warning this time!
Galford: Oh, you just did
Zigganoid: well we are coming next weekend and probably staying till about tues or wed
Galford: Right, okay, I shall attempt to make a f*ckoff great hole in my schedule
Zigganoid: cool, shall i bring 360 and sf4?
Galford: No
Galford: sorry, I meant yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESYESYESYES
Zigganoid: oh alright then, as long as I can say "fucky"
Galford: I think that should be said at the start of every super-move...
Zigganoid: super-fucky-hyper-bunny-mode
Zigganoid: haha, mega cd
Galford: I still have one in the loft, not sure it works though
Zigganoid: mine broke, but the hacked xbox1 can be pursuaded to play mega cd games
Zigganoid: and pong
Zigganoid: and sam fox strip poker
Galford: Hahaha
Galford: My house is full
Zigganoid: and the banjo
Galford: with the movement of my parents, All my stuff has come home to roost
Galford: my God, I've got some shit
Zigganoid: old shit+ebay=360
Zigganoid: ££$$££Kachingggg$$$££££
Galford: Yerrs
Galford: I have a C64 with lots of games
Zigganoid: me too
Galford: Kinda like a 360,
Zigganoid: I have ninja scooter simulator
Galford: apart from the fact it's nothing like a 360
Zigganoid: bit like mystaria
Galford: YAY
Galford: Mystaria is fucky
Zigganoid: I have hungry horace
Galford: I have the Mystaria soundtrack on my MP3 player
Galford: it's...
Galford: ...a bit like Mystaria
Zigganoid: I'm a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: so are you
Zigganoid: and sheila easton
Zigganoid: ....who's she?
Zigganoid: who am i
Galford: Don't know. Don't want to know
Zigganoid: what is mystaria
Zigganoid: whats going on and is there any way of stopping it?
Zigganoid: sf4 is a bit like mystaria
Galford: (Tangent) have you seen GameDamage?
Zigganoid: so is pong
Zigganoid: nope, had no internet for a week, which isnt fucky
Galford: Ugh, how can anyone survive without Internet?
Galford: Internet is good for you. Cures stress, fatigue, Gout, Missing Bimbs and baldness
Zigganoid: I had to cut up magazines and flash cutouts in front of my face whlie jerking off into a waste paper bin, while singing about how everything and everyone everywhere is a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: jerking off is a bit like mystaria
Zigganoid: ........if you do it right
Galford: Yup. when you get that twinkling feeling
Zigganoid: I like to level up
Galford: ...and you end up going a Phoenix sword counter
Zigganoid: feel that mana rising
Zigganoid: and then splunge blat ploogie.........splut
Galford: consume your enemies in your aura
Zigganoid: wipe it on the curtains
Galford: and any allies who were dumb enough to stand in the way
Galford: splut
Zigganoid: freindly fire.....very friendly fire
Zigganoid: and a free shampoo
Galford: and set
Galford: full cream milk
Zigganoid: shampoo horn
Galford: Speaking of talking shit,
Galford: or talking of speaking shit
Galford: you are somewhat lacking on the blog front..
Zigganoid: Yup, I know and there is so much to write about.
Galford: I assume you have lost all your fingers and are typing with your grollies at the moment
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: ...and we are back to Pong
Zigganoid: I will be back to it very soon
Zigganoid: halo 3 map downloaded, yay I can shoot americans
Galford: ...and how's the missus? (blah blah)
Zigganoid: a bit saucy (blah blah)
Zigganoid: hows yours? (blah blah)
Galford: hotter than a June bride in a feather bed (blah blah)
Zigganoid: I feel like drinking a gallon of turpentine and pissing on a brush fire
Galford: Are you in gear yet? Richard?
Zigganoid: this race is wet and wild....like me
Galford: (snort) okay, I'm ready now
Zigganoid: that game was the greatest....and only a bit like mystaria
Galford: yup. the shit
Galford: big fucky racing
Zigganoid: played it a while ago and its awful now.....still love it though
Galford: indeed, that's it's allure
Galford: it would be crap if it was great
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: but it's the fact that it's crap that makes it great
Galford: (confused)
Zigganoid: hmmmm, is my head o straight?
Galford: it's a micron too high
Zigganoid: btw, both penny arcade games are on xbox live arcade
Zigganoid: they are funnnnnnny
Zigganoid: but a bit pricey
Galford: They have awesome names
Zigganoid: they do
Galford: ...and they really, really are...
Galford: ...a bit like Mystaria
Zigganoid: and believe it or not they genuinaly are a bit like mystaria......and monkey island
Zigganoid: hahahahhaa
Galford: Haha, beat ya
Galford: with a stick
Zigganoid: you wish
Galford: a brown, sticky stick
Zigganoid: was it the wet end
Zigganoid: splut....eeeeeuuuuuurgrrrrggggghhhhh
Galford: with a Dog attached to the end by it's teeth
Zigganoid: that aint my belly button......that aint my finger neither
Galford: dadadadadadada
Galford: uuuurrrrgh ... ngh, hrrgh
Galford: blat
Zigganoid: get the lead out
Galford: excuse me while I clean that up
Zigganoid: why wasnt there a big red racing 2
Galford: ...because it would either be awesome, because it's more crapness
Galford: ...or crap, because they would try to improve it
Zigganoid: new carmageddon is suppsedly heading to 360, I may have to get some cream proof undeies
Galford: I reckon we should make a sub-blog of these conversations
Zigganoid: epyt t'nac i
Galford: I played that on the N64. It was arse
Zigganoid: you are right
Galford: and nothing like Mystaria
Zigganoid: bastards
Zigganoid: and they killed kenny
Galford: utter utter bastards
Galford: I wanted to kill Kenny
Zigganoid: did u ever play carma on the gba?
Zigganoid: uuuuurrrrrrrrgggggghhhh
Galford: Hahaha... no
Zigganoid: why did they even think it was possible
Zigganoid: and its sort of in 3d
Galford: Becuase they are monumental fuckwits
Zigganoid: they did sega rally as well, it was like a toasted turd
Galford: They made GTA3 for the GBA. It was basically...
Galford: GTA1!
Zigganoid: While they are at it I think they should bring out halo 4 for the bbc micro while they are at it
Galford: No, it would simply be too good
Zigganoid: or mystaria for the pocket calculator
Galford: 8008135
Zigganoid: or sims on mobile phones.....ah shit they did.....about 70 times. bastards
Galford: That was totally arse. They bring out the worst games of all times, chew up all your phone's storage space, so you can play shit and not even take pictures of Ronnie Corbett. Despickable
Zigganoid: clockwork tin plate late 20's grand theft auto with eagle eye action.
Zigganoid: or pokemon carved out of rock
Galford: They have those in Japan
Galford: I think they should bring out SF4 on an abacus
Zigganoid: handy pocket fucking bowling alley
Zigganoid: hahaha
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: I want to play Test Drive Unlimited on a piece of string!!
Zigganoid: i want to play super mario galaxy on an atom
Zigganoid: worms with real worms
Galford: Haha, that woudl rock
Zigganoid: snakes and ladders with real snakes and ladders
Galford: I want to tie 3 tonnes of semtex to Earthworm Jim
Zigganoid: and interactive porn with a real lady
Zigganoid: erm, hang on
Zigganoid: thats a bit too much like mystaria
Galford: Naah. That's overrated
Galford: (like fuckery)
Zigganoid: haha, we talk bot-rot
Galford: It's the bast way to spend the time
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: bast?
Galford: hmmm
Zigganoid: haha you type wearing boxing gloves
Zigganoid: on your eyes
Zigganoid: lets play props
Zigganoid: bif, bop bleeeeep
Galford: your left nostril
Zigganoid: wrong it was my right
Zigganoid: or ziggy
Galford: Haha, do you know what's funny?
Zigganoid: mystaria?
Galford: apart from getting your testicles injected with Nitrous Oxide
Galford: Which I haven't (I don't think?)
Zigganoid: nope, i think thats the funniest thing i did yesterday
Galford: I occasionally have a tourets-style outburst of talking bot-rot to my computer screen
Zigganoid: so you should
Galford: Em rushed in, fearing the worst, looked at me and said 'Oh, it's just you.'
Galford: hahahahaha
Galford: caught bot-rotting
Zigganoid: If your folks are moving to wales (baaaaa), then you shopuld move here
Galford: it's more fun than being caught rubbing one out
Zigganoid: shopuld????
Galford: apparently
Galford: I would move to Wales, but there's a problem
Zigganoid: its welsh
Galford: It's shit
Zigganoid: yup
Galford: yuo
Galford: yup
Galford: FUCKY!!
Zigganoid: have you bought a 360 yet?
Galford: My fingers think they are pork scratchings with atrophy
Zigganoid: how about now?
Zigganoid: now?
Zigganoid: how about now?
Zigganoid: hmmmm?
Galford: Yes
Galford: No.
Galford: BOLLOCKS
Zigganoid: woohoo
Zigganoid: oh bolloc
Galford: I thought I had then
Galford: but I was wrong. It's just my leg.
Zigganoid: damn, did you get confused between buying a 360 and scratching your arse
Zigganoid: bugger
Zigganoid: cant type fast enbnough
Zigganoid: wow new word
Galford: cool, give it a meaning
Galford: I have an idea
Zigganoid: it means somethng a bit like mystaria
Galford: let's come up with a dictionary of meanings for mis-spelt words
Zigganoid: everything means a bit like mystaria except for hlelo which means nothing like mystaria and is therefore a swear word
Galford: I think we should call it the conplete concise dictionayr
Galford: hahaha
Zigganoid: the dyslexics guide to pslenigs
Galford: the 'conplete' was a legitimate mistype
Zigganoid: haha you are dumb for real
Zigganoid: fucky
Galford: no, I am dmub
Zigganoid: I set fire to your science book
Galford: Yay
Galford: did it burn with green flame?
Zigganoid: ninja flipbooks
Galford: I found all those in my follk's loft
Galford: Mmmm
Zigganoid: my ass gas burns with a green flame
Galford: are you the green hornet?
Zigganoid: i am the blue rasperry
Zigganoid: you are the eggman coo coo kachoo
Galford: I am the puce flipflop
Zigganoid: I am the bringer of fluids
Zigganoid: you are the spiller of seed
Galford: you are a fluid ounce
Zigganoid: will is the face full of dandelions
Galford: I have an ear of corn
Zigganoid: I have a nose for music
Galford: I have a good ear for music.
Zigganoid: you have a face for radio
Galford: the rest of me, however is completely rotten
Zigganoid: my knee caps are burbbery
Galford: Hahaha, you have chavvy calves
Zigganoid: My eye lids came from dustbins
Galford: I love these conversations. They bring me back to a decent level of surreality
Zigganoid: true, you need to excersise your lunatic side or it deserts you and you become (shudder) normal
Galford: reality sucks like a perverted vacuum cleaner
Galford: I had an epiphany the other day
Galford: tasted fucking awful
Zigganoid: yup, speaking of which work is looning so I must go soon, but at least I get to ask ladies about their periods
Zigganoid: cheesy
Galford: one last anecdote
Galford: I went into CEX and saw my XPS laptop, my Acer netbook, and my gay green DS on the shelf side by side
Galford: and I thought FUCKY!
Galford: Em's selling my shit!
Zigganoid: yup, do you have a good ds now
Galford: No, it's still gay green
Galford: ....but when did that become the flagship colour??
Galford: see? TWO question marks!
Zigganoid: dsi is pointless
Galford: The DSi is basically a DS remodelled as a Gizmondo
Galford: morons
Zigganoid: they bring out the guitar hero controller and a rumble pack for the gba slot then relrelease the ds without it
Galford: they are thinking of making games that use the movement captured by the camera to move.
Galford: The humble old Giz was doing that 4 years ago!
Galford: motherfuckers
Galford: unclefuckers
Galford: grannyfuckers
Zigganoid: yup. ninty should stick to great games and stop fucking around with technology
Galford: unknownChinesemanfuckers!
Zigganoid: puddlefuckers
Galford: fuckyfuckers
Galford: Anyway, you must earn pennies
Galford: and use them for transport to see my gleeful knuckles
Zigganoid: yeah, with that I must go. I have ebay parcels to do before work and i might have to have a quick sf4 battle b4 i go.
Galford: me too. I'll be there 90 seonds ago
Galford: in the other not so long ago
Zigganoid: yup, see you soon. I will confirm when I will be there soon so we can arrange a battle seession
Galford: see? I've been and gone. You were crap.
Galford: k dude, I have a phone, don't forget!
Zigganoid: yup, cheerybye fella
Galford: byesybye!

Obviously, everything here as it is in our entire blog are our own views and not aimed at anyone or anything in a not-very-nice way. If you are offended by this, please feel free to fuck off and boil your neighbour's little finger. Thankyou!

Also, any typing errors are completely intentional. So there. And there.

- Galford.

I Don’t have Time for Linux…

2009-01-28T09:38:00.001-08:00

Okay, so at the moment, there are two main aspects to my technological life. There’s gaming obviously, a core component of the physical makeup of my very being. The other is gadgets. Now this is quite possibly a spinoff from my love of gaming, and the technology behind it.

Every time a new gaming platform is announced, everyone who can call themselves an expert in the field will endeavour to find out the technical specification of the hardware. This is so that they can be awed by how much more powerful it is than their current system, be the focal point of conversation amongst their piers, or wave the facts in front of the guy who just bought the rival machine. But for me, this was never enough…

The problem was, once I had obtained the latest games console, the goal had gone. The wanting appeased. I needed something new to look forward to. Thus started my love of computers, mobile phones, PDAs, and other quirky yet strangely utilitarian gizmos. What this is all getting round to is the purchasing of my new Acer Aspire One netbook.

For me, the Aspire One is the perfect gadget. At the moment, anyway. It is a sublime blend of the power of my XPS desktop, mixed with the portability of my MDA. It is not as bulky or heavy as my other laptops, but it is not as powerful either. But that doesn’t bother me, as it is meant to be a loyal companion that lets me do 90% of the things I enjoy doing at home while out and about. There is only one thing to sully this otherwise awesome achievement in mobile technology.

Linux. Despite all of it’s advances and trying to throw off the shackles of it’s past, having a near 50/50 share of the netbook market, and being tailor-made for the micro laptop, it is still the preserve of the uber-geek.

Now, this had not come as a shock. I had spent a lot of time in shops like Currys and PC World before purchasing said netbook. Enjoying the experience in daily 5 minute intervals. I knew that the one in my price range would have to come with Linux. I really didn’t mind it after trying it out. It was something I thought I could learn, get used to, begin to master… But living with it everyday, that was something totally different. The lack of compatibility, the lack of games, the command line installations, having to take crash courses in GNOME (?!?), having to install 3 programs just in order to see my network, the new file structure, the ease of breaking the OS… and that was only after the first 3 days! After that, it was time to sacrifice a laptop for a Windows installation. Oh, happy days are here again!

I know that it’s free. I know that it’s much, much better than it used to be. I know that in some ways, it’s superior to Windows. But I am not the ultimate geek. Neither do I want to be. I do not want to frequent Linux forums to find information where I feel like I’m being watched by people who haven’t set foot out of their parent’s houses in years. I do not want to be a code monkey. So thanks Linux, but it was never meant to be. It was fun for a while, but you’re just a bit too freaky under the covers for me. Later!

- Galford

Dirge Racer

2009-01-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

Hello again, and a happy new year to all. Let me also be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas. Fuck yeah.

Right, on to the meat (and 2 veg) of today's offering.

Ridge Racer. A series of games that really should have finished at the first attempt. Because everything since then has been total and unequivocal shit. It actually seems that the further the more sequels progress, the more and more unrealistic the racing environment becomes...

Now, I personally think that the first Ridge Racer was an incredible game. I used to love play the full-scale version, where you actually sat in a Mazda MX5, with a full cinema screen in front of you, and surround-sound making for the last word in immersive driving experiences, long before the fabled Red Letter Days became commonplace. Even after this vanished due to being a colossal waste of money on Namco’s behalf, the game in the arcade cabinet was still fun. Okay, granted, the driving physics were very odd. As long as you were drifting, you would make it round the corner. Every single time. But this was in the days just after Virtua Racing, where driving physics had not been given the Gran Turismo benchmark just yet. Plus, it was done in such a way that you really did feel like it was your talent as the driver that got you round, not Scalextric style handling. The fact that there was only 1 car, and 1.5 tracks could be overlooked too.

I tried playing Ridge Racer 2 when it hit the arcades, but it was just not the same. Everything looked similar, but it lacked something. I think it was down to lack of improvement. It was just the original Ridge Racer, with a few new cars & tracks. Actually, looking back… I don’t even know if the cars were new, or just all of the ones that you couldn’t be from the first RR. But, this was not the era of Sega Rally. The first game to really nail the handling. It was perfect. I had Ridge Racer on the PS1 by this point, but after Sega Rally on the Saturn, I don’t think I played it again for months, apart from small sprees to remind me how good it’s Sega counterpart really was.

The next Ridge Racer I came into contact with was Ridge Racer 4, on the PS1. This had a total play time of about 15 minutes, because I hated it. I really, really hated it. The handling was still awful, and the car designs left a petrol-head like me practically in mourning. I only bought it because it was in the bargain bin at some big department store, whose name eludes me right now, and because it came with the first real attempt at an analogue driving pad. This also proved to be horrible. Game returned. After this, I did not play a Ridge Racer game again for a long time, because of Gran Turismo 2, 3 and 4, Sega Rally 2, Daytona on the Dreamcast, Grand Theft Auto, Scud Race, Out Run 2, swathes of Need for Speed games and many, many others. Every time I saw a Ridge Racer game advertised, I would habitually avoid it. Then I acquired a Nintendo DS, and a PSP. Now, I waited what seemed to be an eternity for Gran Turismo mobile to come out before I gave up. Ford Racing LA Duel was arse, and there was nothing of any note on the DS. Except Need for Speed Most Wanted and Carbon, but they just didn’t cut it graphically. So I thought I would indulge once again. I bought Ridge Racer for the PSP, and for the DS. I was amazed to find that the PSP version, while being graphically very good, had deteriorated to a level below the first ever Ridge Racer on the handling front. It was diabolical, a total travesty! As long as you were drifting, you could make it round every corner. Even hairpins, during a Nitrous boost, and facing the wrong way! What?!? Plus, the AI was simply awful. Nitrous would spontaneously respawn, and car weight was completely variable. Particularly during races! A boy-racer’s dream, this game. Therefore my idea of hell. So after giving up on that I thought I would give the last bastion of hope a try. The DS version.

Well, as it stands, the last time I played it, I was stuck on a race, where despite using the fastest available car, on a track I have now driven hundreds of times, I still cannot beat the dark blue car with the big spoiler. I have given up. Again. Fuck this.

So I officially resign from Ridge Racer. The banger racing of the driving world. But I just don’t get it. Namco make games like Soul Calibur. Undoubtedly one of the finest beat ‘em up series of modern times. How could they screw up this bad on their flagship driving game franchise?

Well, that’s it. Back to Test Drive Unlimited. Mmmm, yes.

- Galford.

Games, Tunes and long long waits

2008-12-05T03:36:00.000-08:00

OK, so at last the longest delay I can think of is finally over.

After a fourteen year wait, guns and roses finally have released the Chinese democracy album.
So, technicly I guess its more of an Axl Rose album than GNR as most of the band are missing and slash has been replaced by a guy with a KFC bucket on his head called (I kid you not) Bucket head.

Having spent many impatient months and years waiting for the latest games in my favourite series's's's's's' errrr... like street fighter, sonic and paper mario, I should be used to it by now but come on Axl, what the hell have you been doing all this time?

Anyway, I digress. When you have been waiting for such a long time for a release, be it music, games or films there is always the risk of serious dissapointment and so being a die hard GNR fan it was with some trepidation I slid Democracy into my aged Kenwood stereo.

Verdict?
It's good. No really!
it's really really good!
Worth the wait?
Nothing is worth 14 years wait, but it's a damn fine album and maybe in time it will become one of my faves but it's not a patch on Use you illusion 1+2 or Appetite for destruction, but despite of that I am pleased the wait is finally over and looking at the sales, it looks like a lot of people kept the faith but I can't help but think that it should have gone straight in at #1 and stayed there for a long long time and if it had have arrived 5 years ago it would have done.

Maybe too much damage has been done by missed deadlines and rumours of 100+ tracks waiting to be recorded for GNR to ever be the bohemoth they once were but at least they are back and hopefully it will only be one or two years before the next one.

Yes, we primarily talk of games here at bucket monkey, but hell, you just know guns and roses guitar hero will be along any time now.

Zigganoid

Incorrect Game Progression

2008-12-03T05:50:00.001-08:00

The Internet is a fascinating place. I discovered the other day that I can even buy artifacts that are technically illogical. After a bet with some colleagues, I discovered that I could actually buy a chocolate teapot, an inflatable dartboard, a solar powered torch, and a motorbike ashtray (Okay, this was actually an ashtray with a motorbike etched into it, but it still counts!) I am still struggling with a chocolate fireguard (although there is a record label with that name) and a screen door for a submarine. But, I’m pretty sure that it’s only a matter of time…!

Anyway, I digress. To the subject at hand – I was sitting in my living room with my 4 year old daughter the other not-so-long-ago, and we were playing a game together. The game in question was a Disney Winnie the Pooh educational game. Obviously at 4 years old, I am not going to subject her to the likes of San Andreas, or Silent Hill. Duh. Now, I know that this game is aimed at her age group, simple colouring games, odd one out, find the sound blah blah yackety schmackety Fatherly advice… and that without too much of my help, completed the game without a fantastic amount of brain power. This made me think back to times when I had struggled to complete games that had a more than significant level of challenge about them. From this, I could not help but wonder how the games industry was setting up my little daughter for the future… The game she was playing seemed to have two aims, to develop her learning skills, while at the same time improving her computer ability. However, delving into my own past made me realise that if she carries on playing games, at what point will they take that oh so familiar U-turn whereby the educational development ceases, and instead the values are challenged. When the fun and frolics of the young mutate into the battle hardened survival instincts required to complete games like Call of Duty. I find it odd that in a video store, there is a comedy section, an action section, a horror section… yet in a games shop, you will quite frequently find games like Silent Hill next to The Sims.

I must just take a moment to address the fact that I am not insinuating that I think all adult orientated games are violent or morally wrong, I have been playing games my entire life, and I know a light hearted game from a dark one regardless of genre in the same way that I can distinguish between a teen flick and a horror movie. Everyone has watched children’s TV as a child, and still remembers the first time they saw a film like Silence of the Lambs or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (not on children’s TV, obviously. Duh again…) For the odd (very odd) one or two who decide that this is the life for them, they get what they deserve. For the rest of us, we remember that it is purely fiction and get on with our well adjusted lives.

And the final word – for all of you out there who think it’s very unlikely that my daughter, being of the female species is unlikely to express an interest in Call of Duty – I also have a 2 year old son. I will be watching his gaming development with some interest...

- Galford.

DSi? Isn’t that a rank in the Police?

2008-11-28T04:02:00.000-08:00

So, Nintendo have created an update of an update of an overhaul of an update of an upgrade of an update of a concept of a small one-game LCD handheld from 1982. But, is it really anything new?

The Nintendo DSi is the latest in a long line of hand-helds that are tiding us over until they can think of something new. However, I will side with Nintendo on the fact that they make something new that is really rough around the edges, and then continuing to improve on it until they have absolutely bled the concept dry. The original GameBoy was a brick, in every way. By the end of it’s particular arc it was the GameBoy Color. Smaller, lighter and generally nicer to use. The original GameBoy Advance was like something from Early Learning, without even so much as a backlight. Two revisions later it was the epoch making Advance SP, finishing off as the Micro. Then, the original DS was a dog, but the DS Lite is quite something to behold, and the DSi is obviously following on the trend that little further. Smaller form factor, bigger screens, other basic revisions… etc. etc.

They have certainly made more of an effort than Sony. 3 revisions to the PSP later, and nothing has changed. Even after all this time, they still can’t place the power button in a more sensible place! I can see the design meeting now: ‘Oooh, I know. Let’s change the layout of the buttons and make it a little less hackable. People will want to pay through the nose for that! Right, okay guys, job done. Let’s hit the golf course!’ The PSP, most definitely the Porsche 911 of the gaming world.

So, the DSi is just a logical progression of planned technological evolution. I do think though, that the DSi could be heading for a rather sticky, stereotypical end… because they have added a whole new range of functions to it. Okay, the camera is new. But, the ability to play mp3s, view photos and movies, while already available to those with carts like the DSOne, has been done before. Hmmm. Let’s think back… Oh yes. The Gizmondo!

- Galford.

Ten Percent of a Fifty-Fifty Chance

2008-10-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is bad. What is with Sega? My shining light in the dark world of video games has started to distinctly fade. Having known about most of the Sonic games, and the troubles housed therein amongst others, I was hoping that after a little bit of high-powered inertia which seemed to be dragging down their efforts to create good games into the trough between peaks may have been coming to an end with Golden Axe Beast Rider. Alas not, it seems.

Now, everybody knows that Sega’s Arcade games are nearly always top-notch, instantly playable, usually with a good learning curve for those who really get hooked and very graphic-tastic. But why, then do Sega always seem to stumble when it comes to making games that last longer than a pound or a dollar will allow?

There is a glaring contrast between the 16 bit era and today. In most cases, in the days of the NES and the Mastersystem, even later on during the domination of the Megadrive and the SNES, we always thought that games programmers were doing the best with what they had to work with. The potential that games could reach always felt hampered by the feeling that the hardware was underpowered. I personally think that was because arcade games were always vastly superior to their home counterparts. These days, there is virtually no difference between the technology in the gaming machines we have at home and the games in the arcade. The main difference lies in the games available. This, I feel is where Sega are letting themselves down. Because people have more time to sit in their living/bedrooms, the games we can play can be much more drawn out and in-depth. I don’t think anyone would want to stand on their feet in a seedy arcade to play World of Warcraft for a 12 hour stretch. That’s like being in the army. If the army played games as part of their training. Which, if they did, I would be toting an M-60 around and desperately trying to get out of going to Afghanistan…

Are Sega following the same path as Atari? Will their finest hour come after the darkest? If they insist on continuing to abuse their flagship licenses in this way, they will lose everything. Will there even be another finest hour? Come on guys, step up to the mark, and start thinking outside of the 15 minute arcade mentality. I know you can do it! Just… leave Streets of Rage alone until you have started to gain a little divine inspiration.

- Galford.

The Great Console Divide

2008-10-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

First of all, apologies for website downage. It appears that I don’t know quite as much about web domain management as I thought I did. I think it’s also fair to say that I don’t know as much about the internal workings of the shrew as I thought I did. Although I don’t think I actually care too much about the latter. Usual service will be resumed shortly. Anyway…

I love old games. Personages that frequent these pages will know that by now. In fact, they probably know that to death. However, there is something that I have only just started to understand, and I’m going to share it with you today.

When I was growing up, I loved taking trips to the local (and not so local) arcades. I loved playing games that only cost 20p in my youth. I really got my money’s worth, because a lot of these games I could play for a lot longer than the usual five minutes that most people seemed to get out of them. I loved going back again and again, to get a better time, a better score, to progress further into the game or in most cases, feed an addiction. But I was not a big games console player. I was never taken with the ubiquitous Atari 2600. The games were just too basic for my liking. I remember being impressed by the Nintendo Entertainment System, but not enough to warrant the purchase of one. Considering what a Segaphile I am, I didn’t even really take to the Mastersystem until I decided that I wanted something less irritating that my old C64.

For me, there was always a big, big difference between an arcade game and it’s home console counterparts. An arcade game was quick, simple, punchy. A five minute blast for the paltry sum of (usually) considerably less than a pound. The only way I could put up with the rubbish that came out for the 8-bit era was by telling myself that these seriously chopped down, simplified excuses for games were to serve as a reminder of the superior coin-op games while I was unable to visit them. Final Fight, for one had a very turbulent time in the home console conversion. The C64 version was rubbish. The Spectrum version was worse. The NES version employed stupid childish graphics. The Amstrad version was a graphical travesty. The Amiga version was unplayable. Even the Super NES version was missing a character until an expansion pack was released at additional cost! I could never understand why. Sure, the arcade cabinets may have cost like ten times more than the average home games console of the time, but the games that were released were in many cases unforgivably poor, unless they were specifically designed for the machine in question.

Now, I am a regular viewer of the works of James Rolfe, AKA the Angry Video Game Nerd and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. It is true, as much as a lot of die-hard fans will defend these old games until their dying breath, a lot of these portals to the past are really under par. Nowadays, console and computer games are so good, that the arcade is dying. But how did this industry get to this point when it was built on such weak foundations?

I personally believe that it’s due to the fact that you would pay up o £1 to play an arcade game, and if it was not good, you didn’t play it again. Games that were rubbish in the arcade didn’t generate much revenue, and were quickly replaced with something better. But for me, spending a few 20p pieces from my weekly allowance was not a lot of money to sacrifice – but buying a computer or console game was. Therefore, in the days before shops like Game let you return your games after 10 days if you didn’t like them, and swap them in for money or a different game, when you bought a game, you were stuck with it. When your only income was £5 a week, this was a big investment. And if it was crap, tough luck. Therefore in order to justify the expenditure, you would play it to death out of principle, probably knocking years off your young life out of total stress. But that did not bother the likes of Atari or Nintendo. You had bought the game, they had made their money and we were the ones that lost out. I entered the world of gaming towards the end of the 8-bit era, thankfully – and was truly wooed by the speedy blue spiky one. Since then, for me at least, there has been no looking back. Well, only looking back to a certain point, anyway.

- Galford.

A Moment of Silence, Pray…

2008-09-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, we lost a friend. A good friend. A friend of many years. A friend that has had a fond mention within the hallowed sanctum that is BucketMonkey more than once.

That friend was Weston Super Mare Pier.

Now, for those of you who frequent BBC news, or have been anywhere near there recently will have known about this for some time. But for everyone else, Weston Pier was severely ravaged by fire recently.

I am writing about it now because I paid Weston a visit a few days ago to see the horror for myself. As I stood there, I felt like I was standing beside someone flat-lining in a hospital bed. It was heart-breaking.

The Pier was just over 100 years old, and had seen many big development projects over the years. Apparently, it was meant to be a landing port for steamers, but due to choppy tides, it was converted into a full entertainment venue instead. Stretching 2,000 metres out into the sea, it had everything from a big kid’s fun house to a ferris wheel housed within.

But, enough of all that crap. It was also the home to many, many a classic and modern arcade game. I spent a lot of my youth there, sometimes frequenting it’s heavenly eden every weekend… Not a bad feat considering I live over an hour’s drive away and… couldn’t drive. Therefore, due to my complete and utter hatred for public transport, my unbelievably tolerant parents spent a lot of time there too. Weston Pier quite often had the latest games on there – it was the location where I played such games as Final Fight, Daytona USA, Ridge Racer, StreetFighter 2, Tekken and Virtua Fighter for the first time. It was also the place to go where you could find classic old games such as Operation Thunderbolt and Commando tucked away in hitherto forgotten corners with trademark flakey controllers and phosphor-burned screens. One of the few places that had not succumbed to the rob-them-completely-blind concept that is ticket redemption games. Bliss.

But now all that has gone. I have heard that there are already plans to resurrect this portal to the past, present and future – but I doubt that it will ever be as awe-inspiring as it once was.

A two minute’s silence for the loss of an icon for many a generation. Long live WSMP!
- Galford

Harassment at the Workplace...

2008-05-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I now have semi permanent access to a Wii. I say semi permanent, because it’s actually located at my place of work. So I get all of the joys of playing on a Wii, without actually having to face going out to procure one.

Or not, as the case may be.

Now, I have never particularly been in favour of the Wii as a console, because as I have stated before, I really don’t think that it is a serious gaming machine. It still suffers from the old Nintendo stigmatism of being cute and cuddly, and for my money, aimed at a consumer demographic a lot younger than me. That, and being little more a new year’s party distraction. I have never felt particularly cool playing on a Wii, my attempts to play games well normally resulting with me looking like a deranged chimp with Parkinson’s disease. But I guess this was okay, when the rest of the people in the room are either impossibly drunk, tired past the point of no return or just simply not there in the first place. Now imagine trying to maintain some kind of composure when boxing or playing tennis in your lunch break with your colleagues of mutual employment walking past you. Or dodging past, more accurately.

The workplace is a bizarre environment. It is a place where the average full-time employee may well spend more time residing in than the comfort of their own home, around people that you see more than your own spouse or offspring in the average working week. Therefore, I am of the opinion that your reputation and moral standing are more important in this pseudo residence than anywhere else. Also from bitter experience, I know how the slightest act of forgetfulness, malice, out-of-character actions or just a simple slip of the tongue can be the beginning of a life-sentence of ridicule. If playing on the Wii is somewhat un-cool in the first place, then the effect is magnified to almost biblical proportions in the office – Multiplied by the fact that I am known as a gamer where I work, and this is just the icing on the top of the proverbial reputation cake. When one of my flailing companions does manage to beat me on the Wii – a console that I am not afraid to admit my lack of competence on – A whole new dimension of soul-crushing ensues. But if I win – then the ‘Well you’re a games nut. I guess we all expected that’ down playing starts.

It appears that you’re damned if you do and damned if you Wii. Particularly in a public place…

- Galford.

Scum society

2008-04-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

Okay,
when I post here I usually try to keep things light hearted and amusing. Normally we talk games and electronic culture but sometimes something happens that just blows my mind (for better or worse) and today I read a news story on the bbc site that made me feel physically sick.
A gang of teens have been convicted after beating a gothic girl to death and almost killing her boyfriend too because "They looked different". I am not gothic but I have leanings in that direction and so have had a lot of contact with true goths and I can tell you that you would never meet a more intelligent gentle and genuine group of people (yes of course there are ecceptions but still..). I try very hard not to judge people from how they look, but the chav culture is getting waaaaaay out of hand and it is getting harder and harder to see the best in people when this kind of behaviour is getting more and more commonplace.
Of course if I was to say that just because someone chooses to wear tracksuits, hoodies, baseball caps at a stupid angle and fake gold, they are a thug I would be guilty of predjudice and no better than some of the ignorant masses themselves. But people are getting scared to go out, scared to dress the way they feel comfortable, scared to stand out and scared to be themselves.
I may have a dig at chavs every now and again but the truth is gang mentallity makes me very angry and ashamed to be british. When I see gangs of roaming clones looking to intimidate and make peoples lives a misery, I wonder what is happening to this country and the world as a whole.
I'm not going to go off on a big rant here, but I would like to point you in the direction of the news article that got me so upset...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/7370637.stm

OK, so they got long long prison sentences, but surely this sort of thing can be avoided. Maybe its time for ASBO's to be abolished and the police force to take stronger action aggainst gangs.
The police have to have known that these people were violent and dangerous. Not every assault can be prevented but there must be something that can be done before things get any worse.

OK, deep breath now...
Had to get that off my chest.
Normal service, and gaming goodness will be resumed shortly.
Zigganoid.
p.s. Anyone who blames video games for the deteriation of society is an idiot.

Fighter's fight back

2008-04-21T02:58:00.001-07:00

Here at Bucketmonkey.com we love a good scrap, at least in the video games term.
I for one am extremely excited by the recent gambits of news flying across e-space about all the returning fighting franchises and new additions to ongoing series.

I have a wish list of course like any true gamer has.
I want Capcom vs. SNK 3, Marvel vs. capcom 3, Guilty gear vs Samurai showdown, etc....
Can you spot the patern?

Well it seems as though someone has been reading my mind.
With word of Mortal Kombat vs. DC universe, and Soul Calibur 4 featuring Darth Vader and Yoda (I want spawn back!), Street fighter 4, and new Guilty gear and TNA Impact on the way, I'm set to be a very happy camper.

But then I got to wondering, who from the DC universe will be featured in MK vs. DC?
Batman and Superman are both confirmed, but so far that's it.
I prey we don't have to suffer Wonder woman and Robin, but Nighthawk, Joker, Bane and Lobo would be just awesome.

Of course what I really want is Capcom to make DC vs Marvel but I guess thats too much to hope for.

Later, true believers
Zigganoid

Quit while you’re behind…

2008-04-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, I hereby revoke my own subscription to the Sony store. What a load of shit. I honestly thought, when it started out that it would be the answer to all of my ‘But I want to play PS1 games on my PSP’ lamentations. I sang it’s praises when I first learned of it’s existence. Now, I realise that the Sony Store reflects everything I remember about my experiences with the original Playstation.

My purchase of a PS1 was more of an afterthought. I had a Sega Saturn. I still had a MegaDrive on my desk along with a PC and an Amiga. I was more than happy with my lot. But, I pined after the great Gran Turismo. It was around this time that I learned that the PS1 had been subject to the usual 6 monthly increment reduction in price. This was around a year into the Playstation’s life, and I had already learned from the Mega CD and 32X debacle that I should not purchase games consoles upon launch. The price tag was around the £100 mark, I had just been paid, and I thought what the hell, I would invest. I purchased it brand-new, with a copy of said game. Over the next month or so, I also purchased half a dozen more titles, including Tenchu, Streetfighter EX+Alpha, and Driver. Then, the fateful day arrived. I walked into my local Electronics Boutique (as it was at the time) to decide on my next title. After wandering up and down the PS aisle for at least 30 minutes, I was shocked and dismayed to discover that everything else was total dross. Uninspiring, boring, under-par, pointless, or just a complete waste of my hard-earned cash. There were at least four times more games in the Playstation section than the now dwindling Saturn section, yet I could glance across and see many classic Sega titles, most of which I owned, many of which I wanted a hell of a lot more than all this PS shite. It was then that the cold feeling of realisation that I had bought a turkey. In the entire course of owning an original Playstation, I only bought a grand total of 8 games – compared to the near 100 titles on the Saturn, and God only knows how many PC games. I have owned almost every games system in existence at some point in time, but none have had the dubious accolade that the Playstation had of ‘Most Uninspired Waste of Money’. None.

The Sony Store is doing exactly the same thing. I have a handful of titles from the woefully under stocked European version of the store. Destruction Derby. Wipeout. Hardcore 4x4. The Ridge Racer 2 demo. The Wipeout Pure Demo. And that’s it. Nothing else on there is even remotely worth the money that is now stuck in my account due to the minimum deposit requirement.

Thanks a fucking lot, Sony.

Galford.

Lead Me Not Into Temptation…?

2008-03-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so CeX Computer Exchange (is that pronounced Kex, or Sex?) is nothing new. They have been around for a while. My nearest one resided comfortably far away, in the not-very local shopping centre Merry Hill. I have hitherto avoided this haven on the grounds that it would ultimately bankrupt me. But no. The slavering tentacles of what is quite possibly the perfect chain of shops has just landed in my home town. Worse yet, within 100 yards of my current place of employment…!

Apart from eBay, there is nothing that comes close to this paradise. A shop, specialising in buying, selling and exchanging games, gadgets and phones, Undercutting Gamestation and Game for second-hand PSPs and the like. I am the technology rag-and-bone man, and I love amassing used stuff both because it is cheaper than new, and if it’s flat lining or completely dead, I like nothing more in assuming the role of Lazarus or Dr. Frankenstein by breathing new life into it. This is the sort of shop I want to own. Apart from the fact that it would not make any money, because I would personally lust over everything that came in through the door. The bowels of the shop already look like my office desk, albeit better equipped.

I have already been known to pour far too much money into eBay, buying oddities that I will then systematically gang-rape in order to discover every possible function. I love making things do stuff that they were not exactly designed for, and my Gizmondo is the ultimate flagship on the subject. I am not geeky enough to write the programs myself, but I will go out of my way to find them. The thing with eBay always was – all you see of your potential purchase is a very low-grade photo. That’s normally enough to put you off there and then. But, when it’s right in front of you, like Jessica Simpson in an edible bikini, it’s really (I mean really) hard to ignore. It’s true. There’s very little I won’t do for CeX…!?!

- Galford.

The Contemporary Veteran

2008-02-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

Well, here’s an interesting one. Not all that long ago, in a pre-redesign post, I mentioned that the Gizmondo should be re-invented, become a public-domain handheld games console due to it’s flexibility and homebrew. Well, it seems that someone was listening. And that someone just happens to be one of the original founders of the old Giz. Now I do realise that there is a little inflated self-importance here. I must be honest, I do not think for one minute that it was my efforts that brought on this turn of events… but I can pretend.

I happened upon an interesting topic on one of my regular haunts recently. The question was raised – which games are better, old or new? A lot of people will automatically jump onto one band wagon or the other, as was obvious in the thread. A few would pull out very specific titles from their own personal games-playing past, and others seem to enjoy exhaustively demolishing games that have already been dissected due to substandard ness previously. I however, did my usual trick and read far too deeply into the subject matter.

It seems to me that what we have here is a paradox. Because without new games, there would be no old ones. As with everything in life, if you do not experience the new, then there can be no old. A lot of people were saying that older games lack the graphics, gameplay or quality of new titles. This surely goes without saying, as games are forever improving. On the other hand, I do believe that new games are subject to such stringent rules and expectations from the industry and the players that in some ways, they over-improve. GTA Vice City was great, and is already on the way to becoming a modern-day classic. San Andreas? Yes. Good game. But does it really need to be that complicated and big? Final Fight will always be one of my own personal favourites. But Final Fight: Streetwise seems to have been on the receiving end of a lot of effort to disassociate it from the original. Yet it is a good game. Strike me down if it fails to entertain. No! Not with a Dragon Punch, thank you!

We love new games. We get to sample some of the most cutting edge design and technology. We get to marvel at the fantastic graphics, the fluid and engaging gameplay. Explore massive new worlds and tailor our avatars. Feast on all the extras. Yet we love old games. The quirkiness of the controls, the glitches. The nonsensical or complete lack of storylines. Yet the feeling that we belong within the universes of both old and new games.

Which is better, old or new games? That, is a very good question.

- Galford.

Long Live the Arcade!

2008-02-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we all know that the video arcade as we know it is coming to the end of its life. Gone are the days when I could go down to my local Shipley’s or Quasar, Armed with the loose change left over from my week’s pocket money (or a generous cash injection from my ever benevolent parents) and spend some time engaging in one of my all-time favourite pastimes. In my hometown, the establishments that used to house row upon row of video gaming bliss are still there, but now they have simply replaced everything with gambling machines. I completely misunderstand the allure of any of these money-suckers.

To my knowledge, there is only one sort of place where you still find arcades that house semi-modern games of this ilk, and that is at the coast. I recently visited Weston Super-Mare of a weekend. This used to be a haven where in my Youth, I would travel down with my parents for the day, and upon arriving and securing copious amounts of junk food, left them to wander aimlessly while I frequented all of the local arcades. I could spend the whole day darting from one gaming parlor to the next, spending coinage with complete carefree abandon.

That was 15 years ago. Shit, I feel old.

Now, there is only one place left in Weston that still has that nostalgic feel. The pier. It’s amazing just how much they can cram onto those timbered floors, and there is a certain feel of unease when you stand playing a game, and you can see the sea pulsating through the cracks in the boards right beneath your feet…

I love these places. I also know of arcades in Blackpool, St. Ives, and the Isle of Wight. To name a few. The only problem I have now is, with a family in tow – I don’t generally get to spend anywhere near a fraction of the time I used to playing these last bastions of my vanishing youth. When my kids get a bit older, I may be able to get them to understand the virtues of these sacred places. Until then, I must sit back and watch, and hope that when the time comes, I can return to what is now nostalgic bliss. I hope that the humble video arcade still exists…

- Galford.

NO! Bad PSP! Dirty, DIRTY!

2008-02-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here is a bit of advice for all would-be self-servicing games console owners out there. I am not addressing the professionals, the sort of people who completely neon-up their X-boxes, because doing it to your car is now illegal, I am talking about the dabblers. People who feel like having a go. People equipped with a penknife and a blush-brush. People like me, it seems. Do not, under any circumstances attempt to clean the innards of your PSP. It will drive you clinically insane. It will never be clean enough.

Recently, I decided that there was far too much dust under the plastic fascia, and elected to remove and clean it. So, armed with a small Philips screwdriver, fresh-air spray, some computer monitor cleaner, a blush brush (not from my own personal collection, I might add) and a glasses cloth I set to work. Getting the fascia off was easy. But that was much, much less than half the battle. I didn't realise quite how many times I would be repeating this part of the procedure. First things first. Give it a blast with the air spray. It removed most of the dust, but unfortunately agitated all of the other invisible dust that had gotten in from much pocket-carrying. So, after half a dozen more sprays, I set to the outside and inside of the fascia plate with the monitor cleaner and glasses cloth. Now I wear glasses. I know how delicate they are, and how the slightest scratch can cause untold and continuous irritation by being permanently in view, until such time as I can afford to get the lenses replaced. So I cleaned extremely gently, with the utmost of care using practically no pressure at all. After letting it dry, I then replaced it back to it's familiar position on the PSP. Then, I realised that in replacing the fascia, I had disrupted yet more dust in the actual PSP itself, and now more crap lay between the main screen and the display than when I had first started! Annoyance. Displeasedness. So I started to remove the fascia once again.

Several more blasts with the air spray later, the screen was almost clean again. A momentary lapse in concentration made me wipe the inside of the screen with the back of my hand. Smudge marks! More cleaning a la glasses cloth & monitor cleaner. Fascia replaced.

This time, much better. Or, so I thought. I was still annoyed by absolutely miniscule pieces of debris that had still managed to work their way onto the screen. I should not be this pedantic, but after all my efforts I wanted absolutely crystal clearness from my PSP's display. Calm down, I thought. I do not have access to a dust-free chamber. Live with it. And I did, until I came to play in daylight...

Despite my oh-so careful cleaning with the cloth and cleaner, the inside of the display looked as if I had rubbed it down with sandpaper! What? What the fuck is this?? I could not play in any kind of light if I wanted to see what I was fucking doing! I eventually had to resign to the fact that I was going to have to purchase a brand-new fascia. What a drag!

I did not want a cheap Hong Kong knockoff, and I didn't want to have to pay the £30 Sony was asking! 3 new Fascias, or a new PSP...? Tough decision... er, niet!

I finally found a genuine fascia on eBay in Florida. Florida!! Well, it arrived, and I started painstakingly placing it on my PSP. Then, I took it off again. There was a human head hair in there! What the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? For Christ's sake. Eventually, job done. Or so I thought. Now, I notice that I can't see the power light, the Wifi light, or the Memory Stick light. The plastic conductors that are required to transfer the light from the chassis LEDs to the front of the fascia are not present! Nor are they available anywhere on the Internet! And I cannot remove them from the old fascia, because they are welded into place.

I am now going to lapse into maniacal laughter, clawing at the walls...

- Galford

Bedroom Etiquette

2008-01-16T05:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have been bed-ridden since Monday, due to a terrible 'injury'. (I am not going into any further detail on this subject...) But I have had a revelation into the way that the modern workplace should be. It's like this - Sat up in bed, winter sunshine pouring in through the window, laptop on the lap as nature intended... PSP, DS and Giz next to me in case of sudden need of digital entertainment, Monte Carlo or Bust on the TV providing ambient distraction. Apart from the semi-consistent screaming and shouting from the kids downstairs, I think all offices should adopt this environment. I could really get used to this...

Right, well, games. Yes. Apart from the inclusion of Need for Speed: Pro Street on the PS2, I have been almost pathologically playing through the various Capcom, EA, Sega and SNK collections I have recently procured on the PSP. I really can endorse these collections, as friend of the Wife's (called Rich) showed me practically all of the games I have on his custom firmware PSP. Without the added advantage of better compatibility. I really hope that more collections from various software houses make an appearance on the handheld systems, as I can't get enough of them!

Oh yes, and I might get round to playing NFS:PS before long too...

- Galford

To Hack, or Not to Hack...

2008-01-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, so due to family responsibilities, I was unable to post before Christmas. So therefore let me be the first person to wish you a happy Christmas. For next year.

Some of my more annoying pseudo-hacker friends have been telling me that getting my PSP fixed up with custom firmware is a good idea. They have been trying to sell the idea that 'opening up the full potential' of my PSP is really the thing to do, and that the chance of it getting totally bricked in the process is not very likely. Is it me, or are these people starting to sound worryingly like politicians? I personally am not going to advocate either, because I believe that the chance of rendering a very expensive (at the time) and very sentimental piece of hardware inoperable for the chance to play downloaded games does not seem that big a plus point, but after being completely and utterly disappointed by the Sony Store and the chance to get one over on the ultimate faceless conglomerate is on the other hand, makes it an appealing concept.

I like the idea of being able to play old games on my handhelds, games that once required you to have hardware that was tied to the wall. It seems that, until the Sony Store gets it's shit together, there is still one small ray of hope in an otherwise darkening world.

I received Gamestation gift vouchers from my place of employment as a Christmas gesture. This is a nice thing, and their philosophy behind it is 'We are going to get you vouchers to somewhere that you personally like shopping, so that you have to buy something that you like, and not something that your spouse orders you to procure.' So I spent most of it on the Metal Slug Anthology, Capcom Classics Remix and Capcom Classics Reloaded - which are now at the bargain price of 'Buy two for £20, or £12.99 each' That, coupled together with a copy of Everybody's Golf makes a grand total of 48 games for £40. Less than a quid a game! And when you consider that the whole lot were purchased with vouchers - that's as good as downloading roms from the Internet, with the added bonus of being legal and not risking my hardware! Bring it on!

My group of friends and I are of the opinion that we are nearing the end of buying games and software on physical storage mediums such as CD and cartridge (that would be nice, up yours Blu-Ray!) and that downloading is cheaper, more convenient and especially with the PSP, save battery life and increase portability by not having to carry round unequivocally the worst form of digital media ever devised - the UMD. I have already seen the advantages of flash media being used on the GBA and DS with conduit cartridges (courtesy of the same annoying people as in paragraph 1), but Nintendo still look down on this illegal and damaging to the industry. Take a hint - produce your own! Sell the games online for a large percentage less than it would cost to create single game cartridges, let the punter download them, not have to switch carts to play other games! It makes so much sense! Cartridges and discs are as pointless as a man with no fingers saying 'there it is'!

- Galford.

PS3 Kicks Ass, or just kick the PS3's Ass...

2007-12-20T03:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Max finally got himself a PS3, and in usual pose-o-matic style, brought it round on Tuesday night for my expert opinion. Against all odds, I... ... ... liked it. Admittedly, I still would not fork out the money Sony are asking for one, but it was not the testicle sized iron maiden experience I expected it to be. Before trying out the game(s) that Max had also procured, I set about finding out how it could be abused. I must admit, I did like the ability to remotely access it from my PSP. It gave me the same feeling that I get when I have to remotely access computers as part of my regularly paid employment, that sort of 'hacker, but a friendly one' type of feeling. Then we put in Virtua Fighter 5. And the PSP could not handle it. Considering how Sony seem to go out of their way to prove that they are different and better than Microsoft, they still succumb into the same pitfalls.

So, PS3. Yes, but no.

Virtua Fighter 5 on the other hand... Oh yes. Yes indeed. Max brought round a handful of games, but we did not progress any further than this one. What a sublime gaming experience! I have been a fan of VF since it's inception, and apart from the most recent title obviously, I have every incarnation of this epoch making series. I even have all of it's bastard offspring, like VF Kids, Fighting Vipers, Last Bronx and Fighters Megamix. These are all good games - but really Virtua Fighter has always been up and above anything else. It is one of those few games where each sequel spawned is a whole world of improvement over the last. Even Tekken pales in comparison. Tekken has always been okay, but nothing has ever made me want to stick with it. After years of Streetfighter, and thinking 'Where on earth can they go from here?' Almost the very next day, I clapped my peepers on Virtua Fighter arcade. Real martial arts on screen in front of me! And not just stuffy boring moves, spin kicks and suplexes! I desperately went about learning all of the moves - on the controller as well as physically. As a budding martial artist, I saw a whole new way to add to my fighting skills. As a result, I am Jacky Bryant!

No other game has had the same effect on me, and with every new version, that feeling of excitement and ability returns. The Graphics, the moves, the backgrounds, characters, fighting styles, personalities, effects... there is no part of the game I am not completely bowled over with. And they don't have to rely on cheap tricks like big tits in the way that certain other titles have resorted to.

Only one thing ruined the whole experience. That was when the wireless controller started to run out of charge. And there was not a spare USB cable. Something I was expecting from the PS3. Way to fuck up an excellent winning streak!

Speaking of fucking up something excellent - come on Sony, get the Playstation Store sorted out guys, I want Gran Turismo 2!

SNK vs. the world

2007-12-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit that I am sometimes a little slow on the uptake, but the last few weeks a revalation has hit me between the eyes.

I have always quite liked SNK's fighting games but have always been leaning heavily towards Capcom's Strret fighter games for preference. I have found that they are more accessible and easier to master and that SNK had fidly controls and odd characters (Choi Bounge, Earthquake, etc).

Fatal fury I liked a lot because it felt a bit like street fighter, but the king of fighters never quite did it for me.

But now ten years on, and with street fighter 4 more than a year away (more on that later), I have been snapping up King of fighters games for 4 and 5 quid.
This time I have been practicing hard and have come to the conclusion that they might actually be better than Streetfighter!

Before Galford vomits blood at this sacriligious statement, let me explain...

I will always love Street fighter perhaps more than any other games out there but even as a loyal Capcom fanboy, I have to admit that some of their releases have been lazy remixes of previous games with little to distinguish them apart.
I will always buy each and every fighter they release but I know that they will never push me out of comfort zone and make me earn my skills.

SNK however reinvent the wheel with almost every KOF title buy changing the moves and the rules. It's also interesting to see how so many of their ideas made their way into the capcom vs. series.

So does that mean that KOF is better than SF?

Perhaps not but its a very close call, besides I for one am very glad to have rediscovered the joys of KOF and maybe I should spend a little more time with Samurai showdown and Guilty Gear.

Of course, the best damn fighting game in existance is Capcom vs. SNK 2 so that says it all really.

With Street Fighter 4 heading into psuedo 3d territory, I wonder if one day we can look forward to SF vs Tekken, Capcom vs Virtua fighter or Dead or alive vs Bloody roar.

OK, thats enough rambling for now.
Later
Zigganoid

And About Time Too!

2007-12-11T02:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have always been annoyed that Gran Turismo Mobile never surfaced for the PSP. Despite some of the games I own, like all other Sony Products I have come into contact with I thought that the PSP was really failing to hit the mark when it came to gaming satisfaction. I also think that it is the least portable of all the extensive handheld gaming technology that I own. I had heard rumblings from the 'underground movement' that it was very possible to play PS1 games on the PSP. This excited me, as I always believed that the very limited collection of original Playstation titles I own would go very well on a PSP, as games like Tenchu completely outshine their portable counterparts.

But the PSP is a very expensive piece of kit, and the only way I knew of playing such games involved custom firmware, downgrading, upgrading, the chance of bricking the fucker, downloading pirated games, a certain amount of incompatibility, etc, etc... Basically, I did not want to run the risk of ruining what is undeniably a great piece of kit by experimentation and inexact sciences. But then, I heard about the Playstation Store.

Initially, this (like so many other aspects of Sony) was shaping up to be a total let-down. For starters, it was only accessible through the PS3. A games console I really, really don't want to own. This was going to make it a store for total loyalists. Secondly, I thought that knowing Sony, games weren't going to be cheap. Therefore, imagine my excitement when recently I discovered that someone with half a brain in the huge conglomerate decided to put it out for the general public via the Sony site. Then, imagine my glee when after signing up and boosting my PSP to a frankly dizzying firmware version I found that classics like Wipeout and Destruction Derby only cost about £3.50 each for a direct download to my PSP, with the added bonus of free demos and trailers! This is the sort of thing I like to expect from big gaming companies. I had always liked the idea of Virtual Console on the Wii, and hoped that others would jump on what seemed to be a very sensible bandwagon. The online store itself has only been running for 2 months, and it does seem that the classic games have undergone a little modification to improve compatibility with the PSP. Therefore, at present there only seem to be a handful of titles available. But hopefully soon, the back-catalogue will broaden and I will have the chance to have games like Gran Turismo 2, Streetfighter EX Plus Alpha, and Tenchu 2 on a system that I can finally carry around with me without having to lug bagfuls of very fragile UMDs too.

Congratulations Sony, you finally did something right. Hats off to you! (Now back on again. It's fucking COLD here!)

- Galford

Passion reborn....or the rebirth of HADOUKEN!!!!

2007-12-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

We here at Bucketmonkey.com are proud and sometimes smug faced fanboys of streetfighter and a load of other fighty-jumpy-bitchslapathonic-biff'em ups.
Recently though I have found I have drifted away from the genre I have always loved so dearly. I have continued to buy most fighting games that come out but have generally been uninspired by them.

SVC chaos, Mortal Kombat deception, Tekken dark resurection and Neo geo collosium have all graced the gaming shelf in the last year or so but having played each for about half an hour there they have stayed.

Then a few things happened....

I recently visited Galford and got beaten more thoroughly than he has any right to expect on Street fighter Alpha 3, Marvel vs Capcom 2 and Street fighter 3. This caused shame upon my face on quiverrings of the lip (not really I'm a badass really...but anyway).

Street fighter 4 was anounced and the promo video doing the rounds for it has me very very very very very very excited indeed. I will use it as an excuse to buy a xbox 360 (I hope and pray it isn't a PS3 exclusive or I will be very upset but probably fork out the cash anyway.

Then insomnia and illness hit me and I was feeling pretty pissed off with noisy neighbours and bloody giunea bloody pigs bloody chewing bloody their bloody bars bloody bloody bloody!!!!!
I needed to lose the agression in a hurry and Street fighter 3 jumped from the shelf with a triple salto split legged moonsault into my xbox (ok thats a lie)

I began badly with a vague memory of the newer characters I resorted to Ryu and Ken.
I lost and lost and lsot and lost again, and then I began to get my touch back. Before an hour was up I was stringing together mindblowing combos and cursing like a blue-arsed sailor who has just lost a Mr. Blue arse competition.

The love was back.
I was a happy man.
I was king of the world.
And then Gill appears!
WHAT A BASTARD!
REGENERATE!!!!!
WHAT THE.....
LIKE HE ISN'T TOUGH ENOUGH!
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, having finally beat him using a frankly embarrising ammount of continues, I felt it was time for a change.

Surely SVC chaos couldn't be as bad as I remember it.
Lets give it another try.
Hmm, this is one ugly game.....although the pyrotechnics are pretty sweet.
Hmmmmm.
Didn't do to well, the timing is screwed up.
One more go....
A bit better that time.
Maybe just one more try.
Lost again.
I wonder.....
(picks up instruction book for the first time)
Oooh you can play as Violent Ken and Zero from Megaman, and the reason the moves aren't working is....
Ahaaaa!!!!
Got it, yayayayayaya I'm doing great.

Hang on Aren't I supposed to hate this game?

Hmmmm.
Well, I will be reviewing SVC chaos at some point in the future but I will leave you with this thought...

Practice really does make perfect and the thing I had forgotten in this age of instant thrills and take-your-hand tutorials is that in the days of the megadrive, games were harder and the more you played them the better they got.
You don't have to be able to finish every game and flashy graphics can hide a dog but sometimes the ugly games do have a wonderful personallity if you learn to look deeper.

Signing off for now
The phenomonal Zigganoid Bonkneck

Live soft, Die with a Hard...

2007-11-22T02:18:00.000-08:00

Rather belatedly, I actually sat down to watch Die Hard 4.0 last night. It's one of those sorts of films where I plan to watch it in the Cinema, then having missed that, I plan to rent it. Then it gets put out on general release, so I make a note to get a copy. Then it makes budget, and I think to myself 'Yes, I really, really will get it now.' Then, finally my brother in law lends it to me and after it collects around 2 months of dust on my shelf, I finally get round to watching it.

This happens to a lot of DVDs in my household.

Now I am typical Hollywood fodder. I love the occasional action no-brainer, of which this fits squarely into a very large peg. However, this film is exactly like every other Internet-computer-hacker film out there.

Sooner or later, every action hero film star has to be in a film about computer hackers taking over the world. But I can't help but think that this is totally surreal. Computers and Internet connections were super-fast, the OS (obviously not Windows and thankfully not OSX) Gave no errors, or dialog boxes of any kind... and it seems that the mouse has been completely dispensed with. The whole of the US monetary network seems to be hackable from a Palm Tungsten E with a rubber keyboard, and everything went completely smoothly. Naah.

In reality, the script would've contained lines like:

'Virus is now uploading sir. His computer will be completely useless in... 3 hours... providing he doesn't turn his computer off and reboots when we have finished.'

'Patch me though to the Main Street Camera.'
'I can't sir. We have the wrong graphics driver.'

'Has the money been transferred to my account?'
'Don't know sir, I have forgotten the Internet Banking password.'

I can't help but think that the director has obviously got consultants there to help with the 'lingo' and the technical detail, but then he keeps overruling them saying things like 'But that's not fast enough.' or 'That's just too boring.' Or my personal favourite - 'I don't like that. But then, I don't know anything about all this computer crap.'

I just love it when people refer to my field of expertise as crap. You know who you are, you fuckers.

Next week, I plan to review a children's classic film, where Rupert the Bear learns how to download porn.

- Galford.

Look, Just Belt Up!

2007-11-15T06:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm going to start with a bit of personal indulgence. At the weekend, more specifically Sunday afternoon, my social status upgraded quite significantly. After spending nearly 4 hours in a Birmingham sports centre, I attained a frankly dizzyingly high qualification in my other main chosen sport and past-time. I became a 3rd Dan Black belt in Karate. There are not many things in life that I can honestly say I have stuck with over the years of my existence. But I have been into Martial Arts for a very long time. Somewhere in the realms of 22 years. I love it as a sport and method of fitness - and to be quite honest, if I didn't partake in Karate, I would be completely obese, I'm sure of it. I'm also fairly sure that if it wasn't for games such as Streetfighter 2, Final Fight, Virtua Fighter and Double Dragon to name but a few, I would not be where I am today.

Anyway, on with today's post. I think I'll try doing it in a fighting pose.

Max and Baz came over Tuesday night. This is my allocated games night. My significant other works in the evening, so once I have put the kids to bed, the night is my own. This week, it hailed the return of the Dreamcast.

Now, I play practically nothing but fighting games when Zig graces my humble front room, but when party no. 2 come to visit, there is really only one game that will do. Toy Commander. Now I know that there are many games out there that would wipe the floor with this little DC title, but as I'm sure most gamers will agree - sometimes a game just fits the bill perfectly. And more times than not, it's one that you least expect. Between us, we have really clocked up the man-hours on Toy Commander. It's a wonderful game. You can choose between ground-based vehicles such as tanks and Jeeps, helicopters and aeroplane themed vehicles. Ground vehicles are a little boring, unless you like being strafed to death. Helicopters tend to be sitting ducks, so we spend most of the time in aeroplanes. The fantastic thing about Toy Commander though, and the thing that constantly brings us back is the fact that the game is played from a child's perspective. Planes don't stall, you don't blackout pulling a 9G dive. If someone is chasing you down, you simply nose-dive the ground and turn on a dime to face them. Try doing any of that in Ace Combat! Ammo comes in the form of pencils, erasers, drawing pins and firecrackers. Wonderfully harmless - and the whole game gives you the feeling you had when you were a child, running round with a matchbox aeroplane making engine noises with your lips. While at the same time, it is one of the most engaging games when it comes to dogfights. But best of all, this game has no online function. Which means it is played with people in the same room as you.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against online play. I do think that it leads to total social deprivation though. If I shoot someone in Toy Commander, there's something quite fulfilling about having them swear at me from a distance usually not more than 2 yards away...

HIYAAAH!! (Crick) Ow.

- Galford.

Just when you thought it was safe...

2007-11-09T06:52:00.000-08:00

...They released the iPhone in the UK. Great. Excuse me while I rush out and not buy one.

Just when I thought people bragging about their wonderful white frontal lobe replacement in the discomfort of our homes and offices was just about within the realms of my pain threshold, now people can do it in the street too. It was bad enough that these Macophiles spent the entire time pissing all over PCs like they are personally allergic to them, now they are going to start doing it with phones as well.

Apple are still of the belief that adding 'i' before otherwise very mundane words suddenly makes them very cool. Well, how about the iTrowel, or iFingernails, or iDysentery? No, they are not cool.

Well, how about this: I don't give an iFuck about your iCrappy alternative technology. I don't iFucking iNeed to iChange my phone, mp3 player or iFrigging iPC (I'll bet that hurt) because you iRetarded iTwats say that everything except Apple products are the iDevil's iShit!

I am quite happy with my Nokia n70, my Creative Zen, and my Dell Latitude D600. They do what I want. Just because they don't give me an iBlowjob whenever I'm using them doesn't mean that they are not up to the job. Shove it up your iAss! Go away and play with your iBalls! (eyeballs? No one gets me!)

Thank you. I'll get off my iSoapbox now.

- Galford.

I hate to say I told you so...

2007-11-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

..but I did. Sonic and Mario in a game together. I knew it was only a matter of time. The frankly gut wrenching site of the spiky blue hedgehog and the gay plumber playing table tennis together required more than just a double-take at our local Toys R Us.

I think I broke my neck.

Back in my much younger days, there was a time when a malicious rumour circulated that Sega and Nintendo were planning to make a console together. Now I knew that this would never happen, as a devoted Segaphile, I knew this would never happen. I also saw an entire flock of pigs in full flight the day Sega announced that they were disbanding their hardware division. Digression aside, it did set me thinking though. It would only be a matter of time before we saw the two flagship characters in an official game together. I wrote an email to the then almost completely unknown Teletext entity known as Digitiser on the subject. It provoked a substantial response, considering the incredibly limited following that it had. That was nearly eight years ago. An age in the great scale of computer games... Many disagreeing, many really disagreeing.

But don't get me wrong. I have nothing against games coming together. Some of my favourite games are amalgamations. Marvel Vs Capcom, Fighters Megamix, Kingdon Hearts, Capcom Vs SNK... hell, I even have Battletoads v Double Dragon on MegaDrive somewhere... but this allegiance, while inevitable, is just strange. It would like teaming up Lamborghini and Ferrari. Yes, they both make great cars. Yes, they have years and years of pedigree and design. But... Why? It would be a disaster for one or both factions!

I always thought Sega and Nintendo coming together would be like sleeping with the enemy, and while I wait with baited breath to see what will come of this unholy alliance, I also wonder what the bastard offspring of a mach 2 marsupial and a stunted comical rogue trader woudl look like...

- Galford.

Error - Title Too Short!

2007-10-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have finally found a reason to buy a next generation console. One game is coming out that nakes it all worthwhile. A game that I have been subconsciously waiting for for over twenty years now. Come on, if you know me, you know which game I am talking about.

Streetfigher 4.

Now, I am going to try to get through this post without making references to Hyper Mega Super Tournament 2.3 Level 3 Super Buggery 2 x Alpha 9. (Dammit, failed already) But this is a game that is a wild card in the gaming pack. This is because I take a very cynical view to games as of late. Quite often, I will not buy a game because I simply do not like the sound of it. There are many titles that fit into this category. There is no rhyme or reason, just a total psychological prejudice against some aspect of a game which may well only exist in the dark recesses of my warped mind. This is because I am a total tight-arse since the advent of my family. I simply can't afford to splash out on games like I did in my youth, therefore I don't like the thought of purchasing a game that I may not play very much, or at all, or complain about from start to finish. But Streetfighter games are different. I will like a Streetfighter game whether it's rubbish or epoch-making. It's like it is hard-coded into my DNA.

I have only seen the heavily stylised trailer. I do not know on which platform it's going to be released. I do not know anything of the game, specifications, characters, moves, controls... I do not know if it will be 2D, 3D or fucking 4D. But, it is a fairly safe bet that I will buy it anyway.

Therefore, assuming that SF4 comes out on the PS3, I will be forced to buy one, even though I am seriously not a fan of it. Ergo, SF4 could be the most expensive game I ever buy - weighing in at whatever a PS3 costs and the game... but probably no others.

Games Reunited

2007-10-24T01:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the weekend was somewhat of a time for me... Ziggy finally darkened my doorstep with his presence!

It's about time too. For all of you not in the know, we do not live together. We do not live in the same town. We do not even live in the same county! So as it is, almost all of our communications are done through the medium of technology. And we wanted to do something to make sure that we did not drift too far apart. Hence the reason BucketMonkey exists.

We did not have a fat lot of time, due to parental constraints, friends and relations... but we managed to squeeze about 4-5 hours in on Saturday afternoon. Flavour of the day? As usual, good old StreetFighter games. I think it is fair to say that we have spent more time playing StreetFighter in some form or another since our first MegaDrive graced out bedrooms. We may not be able to give players like Daigo any sort of competition, but I think it's fair to say that in our times playing SF games at amateur level, no-one else has ever beaten us. Not only that, I have never really cared about winning or losing, just the fight. We have played against each other so much, that we are of fairly equal ability. So neither of us is ever completely owning the other. Nearly every battle is a down to the last pixel of energy, final round, edge-of-the-seat chomping on the controller affair. The lineup was - Alpha 3, Third Strike, Marvel vs Capcom 2. That's it. That's literally all we played. Four hours went by in what seemed to be 45 minutes!

Back in the days of high school - a depressing 17 years (and more) ago, Zig and I would be together almost every night, playing games. We had a grand collection, but hardly a day would go by when we hadn't spent a good few hours on StreetFighter 2. I think the only other game we played with such ferocity was Myst, in a totally single-minded effort to complete such an epic title. Nowadays, as with so many aspects of my life, time is very, very short. We could play online, but it just doesn't have the same appeal.

Anyway, Ziggy belives that he will be able to make it here more often, so hopefully we will start getting somewhere with... everything...

- Galford.

The Secret DS Lite

2007-10-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

Well, Max returned from Japan on Friday, and I have not been furnished with the missing link. I now have a DS Lite! Hooray! ...sort of.

I love the DS Lite. I love the screen(s), they are so much of an improvement over the Advance SP. The controls feel so much more positive, and less clicky. It is lovely... apart from one small detail... the colour.

Now, according to official Literature from the Nin, the colour of my DS is 'Ice Blue'. Now that conjures up images of a wonderful, cool light blue. A fresh, Colgate inspired blue. The sort of blue that even after 6 hours of non-stop play, leaves you feeling like you have just swum in the sea just off a Bahamas beach. But No. It's not blue at all. It's green. And not just green. It's fucking cyan! A sort of minty green. Unfashionable green. A Barbie accessories type green. A totally, utterly Gay green! Apparently, this is quite chic in Japan, and colours like black and white are just too boring.

This is my quandary. Because as far as I am concerned, this DS does as much for my masculinity as wearing overly tight leather trousers, a white muscle-vest, and talking just a little too high with a lisp. But it is a DS, and colour shouldn't matter that much. Think of it this way - if someone gave you a Lamborghini Gallardo, no strings attached, but it was bright powder-puff pink. Would you drive it in public? (assuming you are male, of course) That is a difficult one. Because it is still a Lambo, arguably the best car out of Italy (or Germany, I suppose) ...but everyone thinks you are either gay, or bought it cheap from a rich chick with a pink obsession. I suppose that I will use it, but just not shout too loud about it. I don't think I'll be playing multiplayer on it that much, because that means that someone else will be able to see it.

This brings me on to my second 'interesting but useless' gadget of the day. I recently bought a cradle for my PSP. it was only £4.99 from Gamestation. Your PSP sits quite neatly on your desk or table, charging away. It is primarily used for watching PSP movies on, but I have already decided that this is an activity I am never going to partake in. I don't see the point of buying my favourite movies for the third time in yet another format, one that is a lot less versatile or widely received than a DVD so that I can sit and watch them in squint-o-vision where I could at the very least have a laptop...

So what was the point? I guess that it's nice to have my PSP charging somewhere where the kids cannot pull it onto the floor, and I can sync to the computer while being able to see the screen easily. I can find good in anything...!

I have a love of things that look good, seem to have a purpose, but cost so little that I can make the purchase without having to worry that the wife is going to kill be over it. However, I am starting to see little holes appearing in this obsession...

- Galford.

2007-10-09T03:56:00.001-07:00

TIME PASSES………NOTHING HAPPENS.

……or so the classic Melbourne house test based adventure The Hobbit (c64) would have us believe.
In reality of course, time passes and the world spins off its axis. Everything you thought you knew turns out to be wrong, your head spins and dizziness and nausea set in……….and then comes the calm.
Slightly disconcerting isn’t it?
Anyway, I am back at last. The maw of madness yawned but failed to take me. Every significant part of my life has changed, and I’m still standing and still finding ways to love life and take its best shots.
Since I last posted anything here, the site has changed format to relieve my partner’s workload and I would like to thank him for keeping the dream alive in my absence.

Anyway, enough of this self indulgent clap-trap, I was getting to a point with my opening title and statement….
Test based adventures and point and click adventures.
I miss them sooo much.
I used to spend many pointless and happy hours trying to work out how to get the fish off the hook, or how best to persuade Mr Cabbage to part with his treasured ear muffs, as part of a convoluted plot to save some daft cow who’s got her self kidnapped or defeat the evil Mouse Lord.
And then there was Myst, which even now is one of the most beautiful and satisfying game experiences ever.

But somewhere along the line, Broken sword went 3d, Lucas-arts lost their sense of humour and after Douglas Adam’s awesome Starship Titanic was the last great hurrah for Text based games, the genre shuddered and died.

I had at last, begun to end the mourning and put the sweet memory of a beloved genre forever in the past when something truly wonderful occurred.
The DS brought back the love.
So far we’ve had Another code, Mystery detective, Lost in Blue 1+2 and the Pheonix Wright games, and more are promised.
But at a time when Classic Pc games like Sim City, Theme Park, Age of Empires and Settlers 2 are coming out for Nintendo’s hand held marvel, I wonder if maybe, just maybe I dare to dream of a day when I can play Monkey Island, Goblins, Day of the tentacle, Broken sword or most importantly Discworld in handheld form.

There is a massive opportunity to capitalize on the intelligent gamers Nintendo have attracted with Brain training and Lost in Blue. I hope and prey they do something about it.

Oh, yeah and Mr Lucas. Enough Star wars games already. We want Sam and Max and Monkey Island!

Back at last and returning again soon.
The Phenomenal Ziggy B.

Fair Game and Wrist Watch

2007-10-09T01:35:00.000-07:00

First off, I would like to mention that my partner in thyme is not a lazy git. He has a lot on at the moment, getting himself, his (hopefully soon to be) significant other half and his shit together. He should be with us soon, when his creative juices really start to flow (although I really hope he manages to make it to a convenience before that happens...) and all of his wonderful, insightful, enlightened banter once again grace this humble blog. Hurry back to us soon Zigganoid, you fucking lazy git!

I live a life that is a total anomaly. I some ways, my life over the years since pre-puberty has changed beyond recognition. In other ways, it has not changed a bit. To outline the ways it has changed would take an age, my fingers would fall off, and I would be better off writing a book on it. Which I would, if I thought for one minute it was interesting enough for people to actually read it...

On the other hand, when I was a seven year old boy, I had two things that were completely part of my life... My first computer, the now (semi) legendary Sord M5, and two handheld games from the Nintendo of years gone by - Donkey Kong, and Mario Brothers Game and Watch. The M5 was of a semi-portable nature, having a form factor similar to that of a ZX Spectrum. It would occasionally follow me to friend's houses but, for the most part it would sit at home, acting as the base station while the two G & Ws would follow me wherever I went in a small canvas bag. Here we are, 23 years further on and I now have a collection of games consoles and a laptop which occasionally follow me to friend's houses, but for the most part stay at home, keeping my not exactly state-of-the-art desktop company. Yet wherever I go, I still carry a small canvas bag that contains a Nintendo DS, and a PSP amongst other things. So in essence I am still maintaining a gaming life that started before I had even left primary school - and I for one, would not have it any other way.

My two old Game and Watch games (one paid for, one 'acquired') have long since expired due to over use and experimentation which started long before and real technical knowledge lodged itself in my dome, and given my current level of technology I would really not consider buying more due to the fact that even though I am a retro-freak, I now carry so many games around with me that the one-trick-horse Game and Watch handhelds would not keep my attention longer than the 'Ladies Bras' song actually plays.

Therefore, imagine my excitement when I discovered that these windows into the past were available online! The only thing that has really changed in this department over the years is my skill with games, and my vastly improved hand-eye co-ordination. Therefore, when I used to struggle to get to the magical 300 points where the much coveted extra life was awarded, now I can clock the game by simply allocating The gameplay to a sub-cognitive brain process. Also, the notorious 'Game B' is now nowhere near as daunting.

I'm sure that when the same amount of time has passed again, I will still have the same setup of technology in some form... and a little canvas carry case to go with it. Possibly with the addition of a colostomy bag...

- Galford.

Exactwii What I Expected...

2007-10-04T03:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I am waiting. I am waiting for pre-Christmas. Max Ryan is currently in Japan, where he has been for the last three weeks, and will be for the next two. Before he left, I gave him an order. 'Buy me stuff. Buy me technology. BUY ME GADGETS, GODDAMIT!! And a DS Lite." Or something to that effect. Therefore, when he returns week after next, I hope to have a haul of gimmicks and things that most of you will not even have heard of. I can't wait!

My brother-in-law owns a Wii. Now normally, if someone I know obtains something of my desire, like a new laptop, car, or of course - games console, I tent to get a little 'Yeah, very nice, but I never wanted one of those anyway...' but in the case of the Wii, I don't. Yes, it's very cool, and yes, it's revolutionary and so forth... but I predicted that it would only get used at gatherings such as new year parties and birthdays. So far at least, 6 months down the line - that prediction is 100% accurate.

I have visited my brother-in-law a good few times in his out-of-the-way country-ish home 30 minutes drive from my dwelling, and every time we sit, drink (tea in my case) and talk. Even trying to hint that I wouldn't mind a quick go on the Wii generally fell on either deaf or disapproving ears. I have only played on the Wii 3 times; Once at a fancy dress party, once after a big get-together meal, and once during a birthday party. I know that the idea of the Wii is primarily playing games socially, but I derived no pleasure at all from absolutely and unequivicably owning everyone else in the place. This is because they were all drunk, and hardly even able to stand up, let alone box, play tennis, bowl or make the ol' blue hedgehog so much as move. Most of the ...players (in the loosest sense of the word) would fling the controller around in what I would call a very dangerous manner, probably reducing the life of the Nunchuk's cable drastically as well as that of my face, laughing wildly and continuing to do so long after they had lost. Not realising this fact, of course. After this it was viewed as a total waste of time and returned to it's cupboard, replaced by that most hated of inventions... the Karaoke.

Yet when I invite friends round to my house - gamers and normal people, we can engage on the Xbox for hours, completely sober and have a great deal of fun.

I'm not saying that the Wii is not a good console. My total play-time is only around the 4-6 hour mark, which is not enough time to make an unbiased judgement. I also feel that if I ever did own one, the people who play on it would also be more choice. However, I am a gamer. And looking in on a non-gamer's perception of the Wii has made me realise that I don't think I am missing anything at this point in time.

- Galford.

Recognition - Of Sorts...

2007-10-01T03:11:00.000-07:00

I would just like to start today by mentioning that my real-world counterpart got his name mentioned in a Penny-Arcade comic strip this week. I would also like to point out that this has nothing whatsoever to do with me, they just happened to pick the right forename. Therefore, there are quite possibly hundreds of thousands of other people out there with the same name all thinking the same thing. Plus, the guys over at PA have never heard of me, and are quite possibly never likely to either. Unless BucketMonkey really starts making a name for itself, of course. I am but a very very small speck in the great leak and quail soup that is our universe, but as long as I think it's special, then it is.

Every once in a while, a game from the past reincarnates itself, and completely passes me by... until such time as it makes me notice it by slapping me in the face with a wet haddock whereby I start to take notice. This time around, it is Power Stone Collection on the PSP.

Now I have played Power Stone to death in days gone by, as I own both of these epoch-making games on the Dreamcast. Short of collecting every last item available, by which time I had moved onto other titles that had been brought to my attention. They have remained at the back of my games cupboard to be revisited every once in a while for a 5 minute bout of nostalgia. Therefore, when the Collection came out for the PSP, I was sort of tempted. Sort of like when you see an old Raleigh Chopper outside a second-hand shop. You have owned one in the past, and you own a state-of-the-art mountain bike now. But for the price they are asking, you feel like revisiting the feeling of owning one, even though you'll look like a total dick on it in this day and age. But I didn't feel that it would cut it against most other PSP titles I own. Power Stone that is, not the Raleigh Chopper...

But then My good friend Max decided that he wanted to play it multiplayer, and furnished me with a copy. (This seems to happen to me quite a lot.) I have since found that it has taken up more of my time than almost anything else in my life. New elements such as the little LCD-alike games, and the few extra specials have not done much to spice up this classic, but that just doesn't seem to matter. Playing through the game, and collecting all of the items again has become like a new hobby. I really get a kick out of playing a game on a handheld that once used to reside on a console that was tied to the wall by a power cable. This was first the case with Final Fight One on the GBA. From huge arcade cabinet, to Mega CD, to GBA. Yet the game is enhanced by the fact I can play whenever I want, wherever I want, without needing a constant supply of 50p pieces, or an excuse to go and spend 2 hours in an arcade. I know handhelds are nothing new, but old games are something that will always make me love mobile devices. I even carry Sonic the Hedgehog around on my mobile phone... Mobile is the new old!

- Galford.

Of Mice and Macs

2007-09-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

There are two products in this world that have more than a passing similarity. Apple and BMW. And before anyone starts pointing out the lack of obvious parallels, ie. Macs don't have wheels - I am looking further afield than that. It goes like this: I respect both Apple and BMW as companies. They both produce better than average products. their quality and engineering are exceptional. Their customer service is probably fantastic, and they both have worked hard to earn their place in their respective markets.

However, I have never, and will never own any of their products. Why? Because I hate and despise them.

There is one thing that lets both Apple and BMW down. One thing that slurrs their otherwise good reputation. One thing that has the power and potential to competely destroy any credibility. The owners.

Let's take BMW first. Mostly because, I have hated them since I could think. If I have been cut up, mowed down, burned off, undertaken, inconvenienced or just generally abused behind the wheel of my car, almost guaranteed it's been a BMW driver. It's almost like you have to have your personality setting changed to 'Basically Obnoxious Psychotic Bastard' before the dealer will hand over the keys. I half expect to see one day... a BMW pulled over by the police, the officer in question writing out the speeding or wreckless driving ticket, while the BMW driver stands there gesturing to his car saying thing like 'I don't think you understand... that's a BMW. Therefore, I own the road!'

Although Mac owners are on in a different league from the above, they are still annoying. It has been said before that their computing platform of choice is more like a religion than a purchase. Everyone I know how has bought a Mac has suddenly turned into an unofficial Apple marketing consultant. 'Oh, you must buy a Mac, so much faster, easier to use, better than a PC, we should all be using Macs in this office... blah, blah, yackety schmackety fatherly advice.'

This has all come about because I recently bought an Ipod for my wife. I know that almost totally contravines the entire preceeding monologue, but It's now in the possession of my significant other, so I don't own it. Ha! But, as it inevitably became my job to upload her music, I can at least compare it to my Nonpod. (Note - My Nonpod is one of those cheap Chinese Ipod lookalike knockoffs. I was not fooled into buying one instead of an Ipod, it's exactly what I wanted...) and I would still take my Nonpod over an Ipod anyday.

I think... I have just become the Apple AntiChrist! It's a nice feeling, Really...

- Galford.

Entropia... Looks a bit like Mystaria!

2007-09-19T03:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so in my opinion, all games ever look a bit like Mystaria. Or if you come from the land of the Raisin Bun, Riglord Saga.

So, after much deliberation with no-one other than myself, I decided to finally give MMORPGs a try. I have scrupulously avoided them up until now, because I am a 5 minute wanderer. This kind of limits me to Driving, Fighting and the occasional puzzle games. Which is okay in my opinion. This does not mean that I have not tried my hand at bigger games than Chase HQ and Double Dragon. I have completed all GTAs apart from Vice City Stories, I have completed the afore-mentioned Mystaria, Myst and Riven, and I am still enjoying the chase in Test Drive Unlimited. I have put the time in to big games where I can.

But these days, time is a luxury I can seldom afford, usually apart from late at night after everyone else in the house has gone to bed. I can normally put by a few hours for bigger games where I don't have to feign serious stomach problems in order to spend a few hours on the throne with a PSP - But I look on Games like World of Warcraft like trying to build a skyscraper out of lint. So I thought I would start with something light and easy, that I don't need to invest half my life in. Something like... Entropia.

Talk about jumping in with both feet - I think I took a spare pair in with me too. The fact that they tote it as 'Not a game, but another universe' was less than compelling, but I thought it had to be worth at least 5 minutes of my time...

Well, after 6 hours of 5 minutes of my time, it dawned on me that perhaps it was getting just a little too easy to live 2 lives, but forgetting the real world one was going to be a tad easier than expected. It also dawned on me that like games such as Everquest, that my good friend Max Ryan has invested a large chunk of his life to that this was going to be like the old Laser Quest/Quasar games from last decade.

Stick with me, this will make sense.

I used to go down to the afore-mentioned arena with 80's day-glo spraypaint and a rancid smell of BO with many of my friends, and have a laugh hiding, running and blasting anything that moved. Then, one day, we were put in with another team. A bunch of dread-locked ex-gladiators who were well and truly on a mission.

(Aside) Now, I always thought I was pretty good at Quasar. I was a patient sniper who occasionally would go on strafing runs and tactical wipe-out missions. But these guys were off the scale. They wiped the floor with us - running through, getting every single one of us. While I waited, they blasted. While I hid, they blasted. While I ran, they friggin' well blasted. It dawned on me exactly how much they must play in order to turn my team into swearing, cussing, losing despondents. On average - 4 Hours a day, every day of the Year! I was a total amateur in comparison, coming down maybe once or twice a month. I never played Quasar again.

I felt the same way about Entropia. Hearing how there were people here who were running businesses, honing professions, and buying virtual real estate (is that not a contradiction in terms?) for hundreds of thousands of real dollars feels like I have been blown out of the water before I have even begun.

But, I plan to carry on at least for the time being, and despite not being able to put more than a couple of hours a week in, see how far I can get. I also plan to still notice my kids growing up.

- Galford.

Fire the Removal Men!

2007-09-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hello. Well, we have been evicted.

Okay, so that's not entirely true. I was just Lazy, that's all. Maintaining the original BucketMonkey site, and trying to look after kids, and satisfy a wife (I beg your pardon? ...you filthy mongrel, thinking I meant that!) were just too much for the moment. Therefore, I opted to let someone else do the boring crap for me. It also means, that my creative, thoughtful, intelligent, witty and down-right lazy-arse partner, Zigganoid of Bonkneck can also update this site without giving me the old 'I don't know how to use Dreamweaver' excuse. Keep it here, I do plan to restart drawing comics again soon, but for that I need some creative ability. So, I guess that means I am a Lazy-arse too. But it takes a big lazy arse to admit that he is one... or... something like that...

So, for musings, ramblings and other complete and utter mis-communications on all things gaming, retro gaming, music, cars, manga, occasional martial arts and other general nothingness, visit us every Tuesday and Friday here at BucketMonkey.com.

- Galford.